Radical Honesty Authentic Connection
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In this episode, we explore the power of radical honesty in relationships and how it can unlock deeper levels of connection and intimacy. We share insights on why honesty is crucial in all types of relationships and provide practical tips on practicing radical honesty in your own life. We discuss the fear and vulnerability that often comes with honesty and the rewards of being authentic and transparent with others.
Listeners will learn how to identify areas where they may withhold the truth in their relationships and how to have difficult conversations with honesty and compassion. We also delve into the benefits of radical honesty, including increased trust, deeper understanding, and a stronger sense of intimacy. This episode is a must-listen if you want to improve your relationships and take them to the next level.
Timestamps
0:00 - Intro
0:27 - Moises, find your partner's values
2:02 - Are we really honest with our partners?
6:38 - Intentions point to honesty
8:28 - How have our relationships changed us
13:55 - How fickle is love?
19:22 - should we do a podcast?- Rances and Paola
19:56 - Tell us your thoughts https://forms.gle/aqLERqWV4H1BqDB79
Transcript
00;00;00;04 - 00;00;01;25
Paola
How honest are you with her?
00;00;02;19 - 00;00;03;22
Moises
Uh,
00;00;03;22 - 00;00;04;03
Jason
um.
00;00;04;21 - 00;00;06;03
Moises
I think if.
00;00;06;16 - 00;00;07;28
Jason
Honesty subjective, like.
00;00;07;28 - 00;00;12;06
Paola
You said, you like to sit on things sometimes to gather more information. Is that be honest.
00;00;12;14 - 00;00;16;29
Jason
Everybody wants somebody to be honest with them, but nobody's willing to hear that answer sometimes
00;00;17;11 - 00;00;17;24
Moises
What the fuu Was I thinking...
00;00;17;24 - 00;00;23;05
Jason
You just kind of quiet yourself a little bit more and more as you go along to justify your behavior.
00;00;26;21 - 00;00;28;06
Paola
How do you find her values? Like how...
00;00;28;06 - 00;00;29;26
Moises
I just stright up asked her?
00;00;30;13 - 00;00;38;02
Paola
Most people haven't sat down and said, This is what I value. All this is why I make decisions from like most people don't do that.
00;00;38;09 - 00;00;38;19
Jason
Yeah.
00;00;38;29 - 00;00;45;02
Paola
Generally, even us, we didn't set down to do that till we were parents.
00;00;45;23 - 00;00;48;14
Jason
Yeah, well, I mean, you guys are kids. When you first.
00;00;48;14 - 00;00;59;23
Paola
but I’m saying, it's like people don't think about that. So I'm curious to and, and ideally we like to think of ourselves like, “ah, I have the value ”. And then you don't act accordingly. Right.
00;01;00;05 - 00;01;18;20
Moises
So the values, I think comes from looking at a relationship like a business. Right. There needs to be a mission. There needs to be values. Those are how we make decisions together. And I think that's the way that I approach it with Marina was just like understanding values and even if they don't can't say the word.
00;01;19;02 - 00;01;19;11
Jason
Mhm.
00;01;19;15 - 00;01;39;11
Moises
She was, she kind of knew right. And when she said one of the words was like integrity, that was really big for her. I was like oh that's like my number one integrity. Being honest, being truthful. So once I saw that and then I started to learn about her childhood and we had a very similar upbringing, like even culturally with food and where we lived.
00;01;39;21 - 00;01;51;00
Moises
And you can identify the values there and then when I asked her. Sometimes people will address this long winded kind of answer and you can bring it down to one word.
00;01;51;11 - 00;01;51;18
Paola
Yeah.
00;01;52;04 - 00;02;01;23
Moises
And I think that's a skill that I have from coaching and like being with Rances Like Rances has always has long winded things. And then I take it and put it into like one word or two words.
00;02;02;05 - 00;02;03;28
Paola
How honest are you with her?
00;02;05;23 - 00;02;08;12
Moises
That's a really good question. I don't I don't know.
00;02;08;20 - 00;02;11;21
Paola
We want to say, I want you to be honest with me.
00;02;11;28 - 00;02;19;00
Jason
You know, you. Yeah. It's honesty is a is I feel like honesty is like sexuality. It's a spectrum. You can be You know...
00;02;19;00 - 00;02;36;18
Paola
and that's what I'm asking. And your relationships, both of you know, in newer relationships, obviously, we talk about integrity and that. But what does that really mean from a perspective of like you said, you like to sit on things sometimes to gather more information. Is that being honest?
00;02;37;08 - 00;03;04;18
Moises
I, uh, I think if the information that you're thinking about, if you're sitting in that and you're behaviors are making negative impacts on the relationship, I believe that's lying at that point. Like if the relationship isn't improving or isn't in a stable condition, then I feel that whatever you're not expressing is almost dishonesty and lack of integrity.
00;03;04;26 - 00;03;06;03
Paola
If you're withholding.
00;03;06;06 - 00;03;26;28
Moises
If you're withholding that information, if you're, like, holding it in, then you are you're lacking integrity for me in, in my kind of, uh, perspective, because going back to a previous conversation, I don't believe there's a right or wrong. I believe there is. Either something's working or something's not okay.
00;03;26;28 - 00;03;28;18
Jason
Um, you're going to say something's.
00;03;28;18 - 00;03;40;10
Paola
I was going to say, like, when is something not working? What does that mean? People who constantly argue with each other, is that not working?
00;03;40;21 - 00;04;11;22
Jason
I think it's it's the it depends, because if you're constantly arguing but your constantly finding a solution and finding a way to understand each other, then if that works for you, that works for you kind of thing. Um, but I think when it's like that constant arguing and nothing gets solved and it's just the same repetitive argument over and over and over and over again, it's like what are yall doing kind of thing because nobody's working on on bettering the situation.
00;04;11;22 - 00;04;37;17
Jason
They're just focus on that like that. Whatever, whatever moment that that triggers them. And there's nobody talking about why it triggers them or maybe one person's talking about why it triggers them and the other person just ignores it. I don't know. It's hard to to peer into other people's relationships, but I know with mine and when it comes into the honesty stuff, honestly subjective, like I'm always honest with my actions and where I'm at and what I'm doing and stuff like that.
00;04;38;09 - 00;04;56;29
Jason
But there's times where like when like we talked about before, it's like, do you want my opinion? Do you want me to shut the fuck up and use one event to me? Because even in that case, like if you're arguing about something from work right in my head and like I think you're wrong, but you don't want to hear that right now, what is that going to do for our situation?
00;04;57;23 - 00;05;14;26
Jason
You know, but then it comes out at a certain point, you're going to have to be like, listen, this is why I think you're wrong. It's a time and a place. I think it's really a time and a place to to be open and honest because not everybody everybody wants somebody to be honest with them, but nobody's willing to hear that answer sometimes.
00;05;15;11 - 00;05;34;20
Jason
And I think that's really it's a it's a personal thing. And I think everybody it varies. And especially on the topic, I think with certain things, it's a lot easier to hear the truth about, to hear your truth about it compared to other things where it's like it's a really sore subject and it's like, well, how do you go about that?
00;05;35;06 - 00;05;35;19
Jason
You know.
00;05;35;19 - 00;05;36;20
Moises
It's definitely not black or white.
00;05;36;20 - 00;05;39;22
Jason
It's it's it's all gray.
00;05;40;09 - 00;05;55;29
Moises
it’s super gray. Yeah. I think one thing that Rances does pretty often when when he he wants to tell me the truth, he's like, sometimes I'm afraid to tell you this because you're going to react or behave this way. And this is what I think about you and that. But he's not saying that I'm doing those things, but he's saying that that's what he believes about me.
00;05;55;29 - 00;05;56;09
Jason
Yeah.
00;05;56;23 - 00;06;20;25
Moises
In that moment, there are things that he's not being honest with, but then he lets it out because it the it's the relationship is not moving forward. It's not getting the outcome or the objective that we're trying to achieve. I think I approach the same thing with like, like all my relationships is like, all right, first I look at like myself and I say, okay, what is bothering me about this?
00;06;20;25 - 00;06;38;04
Moises
Like, where can I influence this situation so I can get the outcome that is desired in this relationship? When that doesn't happen, then that's when I have to say something because I'm like, okay. I No longer have control over the situation. I have to now say something to be able to try to influence it.
00;06;39;11 - 00;07;03;23
Rances
I think that the highlights, the big point to answer that kind of question, because it goes into intention. Intention is what gives you information about like where you ask Paola, is this working right? Is this working or not working? Was the intention of this so was the intention of our relationship? Jay whats the intention of our relationship.
00;07;03;29 - 00;07;28;00
Rances
If we're trying to edit this podcast was our intention, right? And if we recognize that we're going into a different direction because we have different intention now we can talk about intention and that's when we know we're getting to the root of the issue. But if we're talking here about just the base level stuff and not getting into any of that, then that's when it's not working because we're now moving forward with it.
00;07;28;06 - 00;07;33;12
Rances
So intention to me is what gives you that clarity of like, is this working or not working?
00;07;33;15 - 00;07;53;26
Jason
Yeah. And I will say that that working with you guys with the VidaProject and stuff like that has for grudgingly made me open up a little bit more and to actually have conversations about certain things that I don't ever just leave me alone, is it going to make you happy? Yeah, I'll do it. Shut the fuck up about it.
00;07;54;00 - 00;07;55;22
Jason
Please stop it.
00;07;56;11 - 00;08;08;04
Moises
And but that was always one big thing that Rances and I talked when it came to the influencing Jay or trying.. it’s like yeah he's not going to really go for it because he’s always like going to be like nahh. I don't want to.
00;08;09;05 - 00;08;15;09
Moises
You know? But then there's always like a life event that comes in and kind of forces you to yeah. To do that. Yeah.
00;08;15;15 - 00;08;25;24
Jason
I think I'm a coachable uncoachable kid. I think you give you a task to do to make. I got it. Then you like talk about your feeling a lot like yeah no no.
00;08;26;29 - 00;08;43;02
Paola
question for both of you when it comes to you're both in like you said serious strong relationships right now. How has that changed you, if at all, in the last however long you've been with your partner?
00;08;43;11 - 00;08;46;02
Jason
It's made me softer, more empathetic towards people.
00;08;46;28 - 00;08;48;13
Paola
People in general, not just that.
00;08;48;13 - 00;08;49;20
Jason
Person, general.
00;08;49;25 - 00;08;55;29
Rances
And so soon I'll say the word softer. I wanted to ask you, what do you mean by softer?
00;08;55;29 - 00;09;31;27
Jason
Softer. I mean, like I don't have to answer everything the way I want to answer it and that it's there's more than one approach to it. And it doesn't always have to be my approach to it. Now, there's always can be a hint like how we talk about there's always a little spice to it because it's just me on Sour Patch Kid, but it made me be a little bit more empathetic in terms of like, okay, like I'm trying to understand, even if I don't agree with where they're coming from, I'm trying to get in their shoes to see why they're looking at it from that angle.
00;09;31;27 - 00;09;39;24
Jason
And then that way I can assess how I'm going to how I'm going to respond to the situation. And there's plenty of times like she's.
00;09;40;03 - 00;09;42;06
Rances
So by softer, you mean less righteous?
00;09;42;06 - 00;10;01;01
Jason
Yeah, less righteous, less less headstrong, less, you know, less arrogant. And I think it's just a matter of of learning how to deal with her. Like going back to, like what you said earlier, it's like you guys try to not yell at each other, right? I realized early on that, like, if I raised my voice to her, she shuts down.
00;10;01;27 - 00;10;20;23
Jason
So that's not going to that's not going to solve anything. We can fight all day long them in a yell. She's going to she's going to start crying or she's going to shut down. What does that do? You know? So I learned I can't raise my voice, which is fine. I'd rather not have to raise my voice somebody that I care about unless it justifies, you know, where I have to yell.
00;10;21;01 - 00;10;24;10
Jason
But there hasn't been a situation yet that I had
00;10;24;10 - 00;10;25;04
Paola
“Watch out for that Car!”
00;10;25;04 - 00;10;34;19
Jason
Yeah. You know, but it depends on the day. Sometimes I'm like, WATCH OUT FOR THAT CAR! or watch out for that car. But I tried to tell you.
00;10;35;15 - 00;10;36;25
Paola
“You didn’t want me to yell.”
00;10;36;25 - 00;10;57;25
Jason
Yeah. You know, that's like you didn’t want me to yell, so it's just a matter of, like, trying to gauge the other person. I think it comes down to, like, try to assume without assuming too much kind of thing. And it's just trying to gauge how they are. And I'm around my girl enough that we're each other's best friends. Sorry Mo
00;10;57;25 - 00;11;00;16
Moises
It's okay.
00;11;01;06 - 00;11;02;22
Paola
He's hurt. You see how Red he's getting.
00;11;04;09 - 00;11;07;22
Jason
He’s like this. does she have 30 years with you.
00;11;07;22 - 00;11;20;07
Jason
We're around each other all the time. You know, I'm not. I used to want to go out all the time and go to the bar, stuff like that. Those days are over. I rarely like going out. If it's not to the boxing gym right now, it's like to here.
00;11;20;07 - 00;11;23;26
Jason
Even here sometimes I'm like I gotta like talk to people or like.
00;11;23;28 - 00;11;24;24
Paola
I dont want to.
00;11;26;03 - 00;11;31;25
Jason
Okay. I treat it like a fight. Like, okay, I'm talking to myself in the shower.
00;11;31;25 - 00;11;32;28
Paola
Psyching yourself out.
00;11;32;29 - 00;11;53;23
Jason
You could do this, you can do this. You could talk about your feelings today. It's going to be okay. You'll shut down later. It's fine. But it's really just a matter of just trying to empathize with the other person. I think that's what I mean by by being softer. It's knowing that that my point of view isn't the only point of view.
00;11;53;24 - 00;12;11;19
Jason
It's most likely isn't right, because I have a very warped sense of how I view things. And I think I could have been a lawyer because I could spin it. I can spin it whatever I want it to feel. And like that makes it right, you know. So it's learning to to let go of that a little bit because it, it does it do anything.
00;12;11;19 - 00;12;30;02
Jason
It doesn't do anything for the relationship and it doesn't do anything for me because is that the truth? At the end of the day, it's subjective, but it's you just kind of lie to yourself a little bit more and more as you go along to justify your behavior. So it's a learning to not justify my behavior when I'm acting like an idiot.
00;12;30;02 - 00;12;52;24
Moises
Uh, I think it's very similar to Jay I think I've become a lot more empathetic. I will say that I'm less of a pushover. So I would say that, like in my previous relationships, it was hard for me to draw boundaries with Marina I have my boundaries, I’m like nahh don't do that. I don't like that.
00;12;52;28 - 00;13;11;04
Moises
I don't want to do this. So we're very clear and she's very respectful of that. I think with Marina, she's like one of the things she had told me, I was like, If you could be anybody in the world, who would you be? She's like, Mother Teresa. Like that was her thing. So then I was like, Oh, she's a really caring person, just that.
00;13;11;10 - 00;13;30;15
Moises
And sometimes I have duality with that because I'm like, No, I need you to like stand up and fucking fight. And then that's one of the areas that I'm like, I need you to draw boundaries so I know exactly where, where to stand. So I think I became less of a pushover, but I think that isn't necessarily because of Marina.
00;13;30;15 - 00;13;53;07
Moises
I think it was more because of my previous experiences. So like I wasn't looking for validation in this relationship, it was more so like there's an intention, there's an understanding. I see her for who she is and what she could provide to our life together and I'm going to see if it works, like if we can build something awesome together like a business.
00;13;53;07 - 00;13;53;21
Moises
I mean.
00;13;53;27 - 00;14;21;23
Jason
Because like literally like because love is a scary thing, because love is fickle no matter how strong people are like, Oh, you know, my love is undying. That's bullshit. It's not, it's not real. It's not, you know, you could wake up tomorrow. I feel complete, different way about somebody sometimes. I'm not saying it happens, but I think when you see it with people who have been together for a long time and then, you know, at year ten, they're like, we're done.
00;14;22;13 - 00;14;22;25
Jason
You know.
00;14;23;00 - 00;14;34;02
Rances
I don't know. Because like to me, it's like you don't you don't see it. You don't see all the behind the scenes, everything like that. You've been seeing the front, the show that's been presented to the world, but you don't see it.
00;14;34;02 - 00;14;39;22
Jason
That's why I keep my shit private. It's a group, you see, dogs and box and maybe a skateboard clip.
00;14;39;23 - 00;14;50;10
Rances
So like, you know, people don't just wake up the next day and like, oh, you know, I'm done. I think it's it's stacking of time and all that.
00;14;50;10 - 00;15;03;29
Jason
But that's how I mean by when they finally like, it's finally that they they had enough's they're like, I'm done like this is finally the straw that broke the camel's back. And now so to everybody else it feels like, oh, they just up and left out of nowhere kind of thing. And it's like.
00;15;04;10 - 00;15;13;26
Paola
Is it love? And then you say, love is fickle. I'm like, Love is not fickle. Love is as ever present. And it it doesn't change with the wind.
00;15;14;19 - 00;15;17;08
Jason
Yes, I just the commitment is fickle. How about that?
00;15;17;16 - 00;15;19;20
Moises
well commitment is a choice. it's it's.
00;15;19;20 - 00;15;24;17
Jason
Yeah, to love somebody is a choice, though. To say committed to somebody is a choice. Yeah.
00;15;24;17 - 00;15;32;19
Moises
The idea that love is in emotion, like I think I've asked this question to everybody that I know like love to me is not an emotion
00;15;33;00 - 00;15;33;17
Jason
Its a verb
00;15;33;17 - 00;15;49;23
Moises
like there are many emotions and feelings that are under the spectrum of love, which is like, All right, you want to argue, you get angry. You're angry because you love the person and you're fighting to establish boundaries and set up and fight for a solution, right?
00;15;50;01 - 00;16;09;23
Moises
So love can also be intimacy. Love can also be care. Compassion. Love can be fear. Love can it can be all of these things. And it actually has to be all those different things in order for it to work. It can't it can't be one or the other. So to me, love is a choice. It's an action, right?
00;16;09;27 - 00;16;17;10
Moises
And people who we just don't feel like we love each other anymore. And I was like, well, you didn't do the work to keep it on.
00;16;17;12 - 00;16;19;12
Paola
It’s not to keep it, did you ever really.
00;16;19;16 - 00;16;21;10
Moises
Did you even love each other? Yeah, right. I don’t know.
00;16;21;10 - 00;16;53;16
Rances
Yeah. So like, I mean, when we, we talk about our relationship for years now, it's been close to 20 years of work. It's been 20 years of choosing each other. It's been 20 years of us growing and developing as individuals and coming together to get to know each other again. So like that's the work aspect of it.
00;16;53;16 - 00;17;11;13
Rances
That's the that, that's where it all builds from that work of like committing your that you're in line with that commitment and you're every decision that you're making is based off of that commitment. The communication, the arguments, the decision of like, is this right or effective is based off of that original commitment.
00;17;11;27 - 00;17;13;16
Rances
So like, if.
00;17;15;09 - 00;17;44;20
Rances
The the the biggest to me, the biggest myth out there is the fairy tale of love, where it's like, hey, you know, you once you fall in love, it's good and happily ever after type of thing. And that is the biggest B.S. because that people actually believe that grown folks believe that. And I see that from a coaches perspective and helping people out.
00;17;44;25 - 00;17;58;13
Rances
I see that from friends perspective. Like I mentioned, a lot of friends reach out to us. People believe that. So therefore they feel like, all right, all right, you made it past the entrance. I'm good. The work is done.
00;17;58;13 - 00;17;59;17
Jason
I feel you gets harder.
00;18;00;02 - 00;18;02;25
Paola
It gets does because you make assumptions.
00;18;03;01 - 00;18;24;22
Moises
It's funny that you said that because I actually heard that from a college professor of philosophy that I got to make like my worst grade ever. But he has said the idea of love is is false. It comes from the narratives of movies and music that we listen to and that that's the idea of what love is. And even romance.
00;18;24;22 - 00;18;40;15
Moises
Like the idea of romance comes from what we've like. He said. Watch, because in philosophy and politics, it's like that's the culture of a community. And my mom told me that later on in life, like as I got older, she was like being in love. That shit is on your head.
00;18;41;18 - 00;18;42;19
Moises
That's what she told me.
00;18;42;29 - 00;18;52;05
Moises
And I was like, Nah, that's not true. It's like a feeling. And then I learned later on I was like, Yeah, it is all being in your head because I thought I was in love. Certain women, I was like, What the fuck was that?
00;18;52;17 - 00;18;53;14
Jason
Infatuation.
00;18;53;14 - 00;19;05;15
Moises
It was, it was infatuation. It was like then, you know what's real love? And you don't really get to understand that until you've been in essentially the root or the foundation of it as a friendship.
00;19;05;17 - 00;19;08;07
Jason
Yeah, it's true. I love you bud
00;19;08;07 - 00;19;11;05
Moises
I love you too
00;19;11;16 - 00;19;12;10
Paola
Oh, my God.
00;19;13;01 - 00;19;15;26
Jason
You know, it's all right.
00;19;15;26 - 00;19;44;03
Rances
So we're at over 2 hours. But I did want to say one thing that I wanted to to talk about real quick, which is Paola and I have been talking about starting our own podcast on like the mindset of commitment, mindset of relationship, mindset of intimacy. And you know, if I want to ask the audience if you think this would be something that you're interested in, let us know.
00;19;44;08 - 00;19;53;05
Rances
We'll get started on making this because we've talked about it for years, and I think we're we're ready to do it if there's an interest for it.
00;19;53;16 - 00;19;54;26
Paola
Yes.
00;19;54;26 - 00;20;13;05
Jason
Awesome I like it Jason here with Mindset U and I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for tuning in and watching us every week since Mindset U taking a different approach. We need your help coming up with new topics of stuff that you want to hear so that we can give you the best quality possible, the best content possible in general.
00;20;13;20 - 00;20;29;21
Jason
It's fun. Come on, help us out. Help us help you any way you can. Head over to VidaProject.com watch any of the old episodes, any of the new upcoming episodes are coming. You can also check us out on Instagram and YouTube and anywhere else you could possibly think of that you wants to be. Let us know. We'll be there.
00;20;30;01 - 00;20;33;03
Jason
All right. Thank you so much.