The Perfect Relationship Secret
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Are you feeling stuck in your relationships?
Do you feel like you can't seem to make them work?
Do you think you're the only one struggling with these problems?
You're not alone if you answered yes to any of these questions. In this video, we share the perfect relationship secret: It's all about understanding and working with your beliefs.
Take a look at your beliefs. Are you treating your partner the way you would want to be treated? Are you asking questions and seeking to be wrong? Are you being curious and vulnerable? If you want the perfect relationship, start by following these behaviors based on your beliefs.
By questioning your beliefs, you will be able to handle issues in a more curious and vulnerable way. This is the key to having a perfect relationship – being curious and vulnerable. Doing this can build a stronger foundation to grow and survive in your relationships.
Timestamps
0:00 - Intro
0:21 - The big fight
2:42 - Different Perspectives
4:17 - Trying to Win
6:40 - Downward spiral
10:18 - What does my partner really want
11:38 - looking to be wrong
13:11 - Awareness and vulnerability
15:23 - Tell us your thoughts https://forms.gle/aqLERqWV4H1BqDB79
Transcript
00;00;00;01 - 00;00;05;24
Moises
When it comes to problems in our relationship, I take Rances’s approach. You see someone change so quickly.
00;00;05;28 - 00;00;07;26
Paola
You got to be fucking kidding me.
00;00;07;28 - 00;00;10;01
Rances
I feel invalidated.
00;00;10;01 - 00;00;11;03
Jason
You are a monster.
00;00;11;04 - 00;00;19;09
Moises
Your values aren't aligned. This is not going to work to try to look for where you're wrong, which is it's very hard to do.
00;00;21;13 - 00;00;46;24
Rances
I just wanted to go back to the to the story about when we were away, because that was that was a perfect example of about like the the roles and responsibilities that we argued about in that time. So the the whole thing the whole premise of that was we were at a restaurant with Moises and his girlfriend Marina, and we were waiting for the waiter.
00;00;47;29 - 00;00;56;28
Rances
And because Paola decided that she was going to or, what was it.
00;00;58;03 - 00;01;18;02
Paola
I'm looking at a menu. I see a couple of things I like. I couldn't decide between the couple of things I liked. I said, Oh, I'll order this. And I said, Hey, what do you think of this? Would you like to eat that? He goes, Sure doesn't care. So I'm like, All right, you're ordering that. And I'm ordering this so that I can try his food and he'd my food.
00;01;18;04 - 00;01;18;11
Jason
Yeah.
00;01;18;18 - 00;01;41;23
Rances
So. All right. Roles and responsibilities that we've agreed about in the past. So, like the decision making of, like, picking something on the menu, I'll go like this with a my eyes close. The only thing that actually directs my decision behind that is like the the same restrictions that I've put on myself on on what I eat. So, for example, dairy is a no, right?
00;01;41;23 - 00;01;55;09
Rances
So like right now we're, we're not doing any carbs or anything like that. So we're, we're going to order that way. But the thing that's always a no is dairy. I'm never, never eating dairy in any form. So cheese, milk, whatever it is.
00;01;55;29 - 00;01;58;12
Jason
So what about Pete Pizza?
00;01;58;28 - 00;02;04;26
Rances
No, we have we got vegan pizza. So anyways, no dairy, I.
00;02;05;02 - 00;02;08;29
Jason
I get you sometimes I get your anger. I understand it sometimes. Yeah.
00;02;09;15 - 00;02;24;07
Rances
So no dairy, right. So now we have this understanding and this is I'm going to speak first from my perspective. We have this understanding, she’ll order for both of us and we do family style. We share all our foods and.
00;02;24;08 - 00;02;25;25
Paola
Often times not always.
00;02;26;10 - 00;02;54;19
Rances
Yeah. And the way she posed this to me indicated this was one of those times we're going to be sharing a little bit of of all of our foods. So then she orders. And when she ordered, the second plate she ordered has dairy, which means I can't have any. So therefore to me what I heard was, hey, I'm going to order for us to share, but you can't have any of this, so I'm going to eat this plus a little bit of yours.
00;02;54;19 - 00;02;59;28
Rances
To me, though, is it frustrating? This is this from my perspective.
00;02;59;28 - 00;03;04;28
Jason
I can't wait to hear Paola's perspective. But right now, you are a Monster.
00;03;05;17 - 00;03;24;05
Rances
So this this is this is what occurred from my perspective. And we're talking about this. Yeah. With with Moises and Marina. And we're talking about we're not yelling, you know, but we're speaking sternly with each other and and identifying what we perceive in the challenge.
00;03;24;05 - 00;03;41;27
Paola
So when Rances says to me, you order why you order has cheese I thought, Yeah. He goes, So you can have my food, but I cannot have any of yours. And I was like, Oh, you're worried about food? We can get you something else. Because to me, I'm solving the problem, which is you want more food because I'm going to eat some of your food.
00;03;42;05 - 00;03;47;21
Paola
Great. Let's order another plate that you can eat. And then we don't have to. It stops right there.
00;03;47;22 - 00;03;50;28
Jason
Yeah, I'm already on her side just off of that.
00;03;50;28 - 00;03;52;10
Rances
That was quick.
00;03;52;10 - 00;03;54;16
Jason
All she needed to say because I'm like, that makes sense.
00;03;54;16 - 00;04;02;11
Paola
Because that's to me, I view the problem as being food. Rances did not have that point of view.
00;04;02;13 - 00;04;02;21
Moises
He got emotional
00;04;02;21 - 00;04;05;18
Jason
you didnt take his dietary restrictions into account.
00;04;05;25 - 00;04;07;10
Paola
What it was. Then it became.
00;04;07;16 - 00;04;13;13
Jason
Salt on his dietary restrictions. “It’s Spring, how dare you”
00;04;13;13 - 00;04;14;09
Moises
so demanding
00;04;15;18 - 00;04;40;01
Rances
But all right. So check this out. This part is where like where we talk about like the form the way that Moises was saying, the way that we argue in that moment. I said, I'm not mad about the lack of food. I am upset that I feel invalidated in this ordering. I feel like you didn't take me into account.
00;04;41;05 - 00;04;50;16
Rances
So therefore you're not taking your role of like ordering food and taking care of me in that sense. So I expressed that emotionally.
00;04;51;27 - 00;05;17;12
Paola
Which then my pettiness kicked in and I was like, You're a grown ass person. You can order for your God to himself. And that was already triggered because to me what that sounded like was an accusation towards my persona of that I need to show you and take care of you. So it already has started. So whatever he said after that, I wasn't listening.
00;05;17;23 - 00;05;20;24
Paola
Yeah, I was just like trying to win.
00;05;21;18 - 00;05;35;11
Jason
Understood. I know. I get that. And I think it goes back to what we talked about before. Like when when a dude expresses their feelings, like Shut up, oh, my God. Like, this is what you're going to cry about right now. Like, eat the chicken fingers and stop it.
00;05;35;13 - 00;05;55;10
Paola
So on the drive home, we continued this, the vacation. So we were in the car and just like going at it and then and I was like, That's messed up. You can express yourself. You're right, because I'm here, like, what the hell? Like, just eat the food. There's food. And then I acknowledge I was like, You know what?
00;05;55;10 - 00;06;04;02
Paola
I didn't I didn't take you and you pointed it out. He took the moment to say, Hey, this is how that made me feel. And I was like,
00;06;04;02 - 00;06;05;00
Jason
baby.
00;06;05;00 - 00;06;15;21
Paola
But it was like, You know what? No, I'm sorry. I am. Because guess what? If we do the inverse of that and I say something to that, extend to him, what I would expect is an apology.
00;06;16;28 - 00;06;18;06
Jason
A written letter.
00;06;19;25 - 00;06;36;03
Paola
No, but I would I would have these expectations of like, did you hear me that you did you hear what I said? Did you feel what I'm coming from? And I wasn't giving him that a night at the moment to say, you know what, that's messed up. That's not right. So I'm sorry and I am sorry. I didn't mean to put him in that position because that wasn't the intent.
00;06;36;03 - 00;06;48;08
Paola
And that again, that's not the intent of that. But when you start question and in the car, that was more questioning of are we on the same page in our relationship? I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Thank God.
00;06;48;11 - 00;06;52;14
Jason
I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I got Something with cheese on it, my bad!
00;06;52;18 - 00;07;23;04
Paola
And I mean that that triggers me more to get more fighting. Like, to me, I was like, Are you fucking kidding me right now? Yeah. You're questioning my commitment. So our relationship, like, it's funny, but it's not, because these are the things that we create in our heads. We, we end up having these conversations with ourselves, and we don't share that because of the type of things that can easily be like, you know, I could have easily been like.
00;07;23;04 - 00;07;31;21
Paola
Sooner, Hey, I'm sorry, but I would have gone down to, like, the feelings, the the real thoughts that raced through your head. And then we're not closer.
00;07;32;00 - 00;07;32;08
Jason
Yeah.
00;07;32;25 - 00;07;52;15
Moises
That's funny, man, because I'm thinking about Rances’s personality and how adaptive adaptable he is. But except that he attatched meaning in that moment where it's like, No, you went against all the core values in this moment, therefore you're not in the committed. Did that means you're not a part of this is so
00;07;52;15 - 00;08;10;13
Moises
Fucking fascinating to me because it's just like, here's this a person that is adaptable but in this moment is so fucking strict and stern to that value that it has no shift. And then it makes you like psychologically fucks with you because it's like, oh shit, am I.
00;08;10;13 - 00;08;13;19
Moises
Am I showing that I'm not committed to this relationship because.
00;08;13;19 - 00;08;15;01
Moises
I ordered something whith cheese on it.
00;08;15;01 - 00;08;18;09
Jason
word with Core Values!
00;08;18;19 - 00;08;26;29
Moises
That's where And you were saying that, is like yo Rances does that a lot, bro. Like, I'm like I'm like, you pick when you want to be strict.
00;08;26;29 - 00;08;29;10
Jason
You weaponized your core values. Is that what you're saying?
00;08;29;14 - 00;08;30;20
Paola
I like that.
00;08;31;10 - 00;08;54;19
Rances
You know that that's a that's a that's a great point. And I think it goes into like how I, I to me everything has additional information and just like goes into coaching, right? I'm looking at the nuance of the way the person says the words to the way they express the thing, the way their their facial expression.
00;08;54;26 - 00;09;22;21
Rances
I'm looking at all of that to see what's the real meaning and when it's intimate relationships, then I already have an alignment and an expectation of, of all these things. So when that breaks to me, I know the overall intentions and I know all these things. So if I know all of this and it's not making sense with the action, then like what's the deeper thing with it?
00;09;22;21 - 00;09;45;20
Rances
The other thing is me going into like a chaotic downward spiral of like, what does this actually mean? You know, and I'm questioning it. I like I'm not I'm not using it to to be, like, manipulative, but it's me going in in a like downward spiral of of trying to find the answer and questioning questioning this point. The well, this point solid here.
00;09;45;20 - 00;09;55;04
Rances
But so there it must be deeper. It must be deeper. Must be deeper. Which then leads me to say some shit like, are you committed to this relationship?
00;09;55;06 - 00;10;10;12
Paola
Where then I can say like, you got to be fucking kidding me. And then and then it brings it back to you too. Like I'm like, I was literally just trying to eat so it's like I just wanted to eat.
00;10;10;12 - 00;10;11;28
Jason
It wasn't personal, I promise you.
00;10;11;28 - 00;10;33;00
Paola
It wasn’t about you. But what and it's were and I think sometimes, again in our relationships because we know, right. We were so sure of the other person. And that's the part where you have to continue to work at it. You're so sure of the other person that that assumption becomes that that becomes the assumption. Yeah. And it's untrue.
00;10;33;00 - 00;10;36;29
Paola
Like you just have to look back and be like, what does that person really want.
00;10;36;29 - 00;10;43;20
Moises
It requires you to, to try to look for where you're wrong, which is it's very hard to do because it's just like you have to
00;10;43;21 - 00;10;44;17
Jason
Especially when you're always right.
00;10;44;27 - 00;11;19;16
Moises
You know, you don't want to do it right. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's hard, I think, with with my girl. I think there's also like understanding, like where somebody is at, like spending a lot of time with like Rances and and you like, you kind of see these re repeating patterns in people that that come up. And like when I first started dating Marina, like I could see the, the, the noviceness or the, I don't know the right word.
00;11;19;27 - 00;11;26;01
Moises
Like she was still like if you were separate consciousness on like four different levels, she was like on level one. Right.
00;11;26;08 - 00;11;29;28
Jason
Wait real quick. Choose your words wisely. If she watches this.
00;11;29;28 - 00;11;48;15
Moises
No, she'll be all right. So she doesn't take things personal like we we had a she she grew a lot like in terms of that aspect. And I learned a lot from being with her. So like I, I've never really had actually our arguments are very similar to how you guys are, which to me was pretty impressive because I was like.
00;11;48;16 - 00;11;51;23
Paola
That's new stuff to you, isn't it? That's new stuff to you.
00;11;52;02 - 00;12;11;29
Moises
Well, the thing is, is that I take Rances's approach into that when it comes to problems in our relationship for for I would say like 95% of the problems that Marina and I have, I take that approach. I'm like, no, let's talk about this now. And I Look to ask questions. I do find myself trying to be right.
00;12;12;23 - 00;12;53;23
Moises
But going back to what I was going to say originally, it requires you to be like, look to be wrong in some way. So then that means you have to ask questions and that comes from the skill of coaching. And I think we were at a hike one time like we we're walking, you're saying like for a relationship to work like two people like there's coaching required in that and Marina has now like to me like in just a year has become more of that where she's able to kind of identify and ask me questions and she looks to be curious, which is pretty interesting because you see someone change so quickly that yeah, it's
00;12;53;24 - 00;13;17;19
Moises
awesome. I think that a lot of people right struggle with that because the foundation of that is seeking to be curious, like you said, and then seeking to be wrong, like where you wrong, you know? And that means that you have to understand that like Rances, did you see that, that you were attaching meaning to all of that, like in that moment.
00;13;17;19 - 00;13;42;11
Rances
Or so now, you know, like when I reflect on like that, that thing I said about like, you know, are we in alignment in our relationship? To me, reflecting on that is like me desperately wanting to be wrong, me saying, okay, I came to this conclusion based on my mathematics. So I must say this because I needed to be wrong.
00;13;42;11 - 00;13;45;27
Moises
So you really are vulnerable with like. Yeah, a shitty thought. Yeah.
00;13;46;18 - 00;13;50;24
Rances
Yeah, that was it. Well they call it intrusive and intrusive.
00;13;50;24 - 00;13;59;21
Moises
Yeah. Yeah. And I think a lot of people like aren't willing to go into that space like I can seeing like all that, I'm probably fucking pisses me off.
00;13;59;24 - 00;14;04;15
Jason
After editing the last episode. I hate talking, I hate listening to myself.
00;14;05;17 - 00;14;31;20
Moises
That is Starbucks coffee and a higher pitched voice. It'd be some basic white. I just think that like fucking shit. And I think that a lot of people aren't willing to go into that space of showing those intrusive thoughts. They're not it vulnerability is like one thing that has to be expressed in order for a relationship to work.
00;14;31;20 - 00;14;41;03
Moises
And like from day one when I spoke to like when I first date with Marina, it was like, if you're not vulnerable this is not going to work. And she's like.
00;14;41;25 - 00;14;42;10
Paola
Whoa, Day 1?
00;14;43;24 - 00;14;45;17
Moises
Because in there, like I was like
00;14;45;17 - 00;14;48;05
Jason
Thats an intense thing they're bringing up on our first date.
00;14;48;06 - 00;14;48;18
Jason
It's good.
00;14;48;21 - 00;14;53;13
Moises
No, it wasn't brought up directly and it was brought up indirectly in conversations.
00;14;53;14 - 00;14;55;10
Rances
Like on her porch picking her up, first thing...
00;14;56;17 - 00;14;57;16
Moises
Are you vulnerable
00;14;58;18 - 00;15;20;25
Moises
But we did talk about that and I got her perspective on trust. I learned a lot about the values, right? Because I understand that values are what people make decisions based off of. And if your values aren't aligned, you're going to have like you continue that relationship is going to show up because the values are the beliefs are based off your values.
00;15;20;25 - 00;15;23;12
Moises
Yeah. So your behaviors are based off your beliefs.
00;15;23;19 - 00;15;40;00
Jason
Jason here with Mindset U and I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for tuning in and watching us every week since Mindset U is taking a different approach. We need your help coming up with new topics of stuff that you want to hear so that we can give you the best quality possible, the best content possible in general.
00;15;40;14 - 00;15;56;15
Jason
It's fun. Come on, help us out. Help us help you any way you can. Head over to VidaProject.com watch any of the old episodes, any of the new upcoming episodes are coming. You can also check us out on Instagram and YouTube and anywhere else you could possibly think of that you want us to be. Let us know. We'll be there.
00;15;56;25 - 00;16;00;05
Jason
All right. Thank you so much.