That Sounds Like A You Problem
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In this podcast, Rances and Paola share their experiences and insights on personal issues that affect their relationships. They discuss techniques they have learned to deepen their relationships, overcome misunderstandings, and work together as a team. We talk about the power of understanding, the importance of curiosity, and the benefits of analyzing emotions.
We also show how these techniques apply to all relationships, including friendships.
If you want to revolutionize your relationship and learn from a real couple who have done it, this podcast is for you!
Timestamps
0:00 - Intro
0:28 - How to choose your battles?
2:11 - Is this a Me issue or a You issue?
3:32 - Relationships thrive with curiosity.
4:27 - Safe enough to be petty.
5:08 - Self-Awareness before arguments
8:37 - Tag team parenting
10:09 - How does this apply to newer relationships
12:59 - In the moment ego trap
15:20 - Understand your partner's process
17:26 - Identifying the needs
18:38 - Outro https://forms.gle/aqLERqWV4H1BqDB79
00;00;00;00 - 00;00;01;07
Paola
Pettiness doesn't go away.
00;00;01;08 - 00;00;03;02
Jason
How did you guys learn how to choose your battles?
00;00;03;09 - 00;00;05;22
Moises
Do I want to have that conversation? Cause I don't want to feel wrong yet.
00;00;05;22 - 00;00;09;19
Rances
She didn't do it right away, and it pissed me off. And then I snapped at her about It.
00;00;09;19 - 00;00;11;22
Paola
Like, let's do this dance, you know?
00;00;11;22 - 00;00;13;09
Rances
And that triggers me emotionally.
00;00;13;11 - 00;00;14;23
Paola
You hear me say, I was really petty.
00;00;14;24 - 00;00;16;20
Jason
Or am I just going to talk? I mean, you.
00;00;16;20 - 00;00;18;03
Paola
Just choose the high road.
00;00;18;07 - 00;00;20;17
Jason
Do you need me to listen? Do you need advice?
00;00;20;18 - 00;00;26;06
Paola
No, I don't want a solution there, idiot. And that's it.
00;00;28;15 - 00;00;50;11
Jason
This also tie in. Like, how did you guys learn how to choose your battles with each other? Because I feel like that's something that people have a hard time dealing with, because I feel like people in general have a thing that they need to be right and being right doesn't necessarily when you don't win the argument because you're right.
00;00;50;23 - 00;00;52;05
Paola
You hear me say I was really petty.
00;00;52;12 - 00;01;07;14
Jason
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's I'm the same way. It's like I had to I had to really teach myself that it's not a matter of being right all the time. There's certain times I'm like, You know what? I know I'm right, but it doesn't matter because it's not going to change anything.
00;01;07;23 - 00;01;09;05
Paola
It won't. Does it help? So it.
00;01;09;05 - 00;01;09;27
Jason
Doesn't help.
00;01;10;16 - 00;01;12;29
Rances
So to answer your question, and.
00;01;12;29 - 00;01;17;27
Jason
I know there's a lot of ego when it comes to the both of you in this in this field.
00;01;18;09 - 00;01;48;00
Rances
So so for me, actually, because I just thought about just the other day while we were in the bedroom, I don't remember what the reaction was about, but I asked something of you. And then I got upset. The second time I asked you, remember what it was idea. So and but that that goes to the point because once we resolve something, it's like we are we have to stay with the solution, move on.
00;01;48;11 - 00;02;11;02
Rances
So like the point being, is that something I asked her to do something and she didn't do it right away and it pissed me off. And then I snapped at her about it. And when I snapped at her, she said, Whoa. Like, what's all this, like, attitude? For which immediately for me was like, What is all this attitude?
00;02;11;21 - 00;02;37;10
Rances
And then I was able to tell, Oh, okay. So this triggered me on something within like my feeling understood. And I felt that I wasn't being understood here. So it came more to this, like I always go around the world, like now feeling understood and with you I feel like I feel that with our relationship, I feel the most trusting and understood.
00;02;37;16 - 00;03;02;08
Rances
So when something that ah ends, that when I feel like I'm not being understood by her, then I'm like, I'm all alone. And that triggers me emotionally. And then I'm snapping out of that place. This was literally how the conversation happened. She called me, called me out to attention of like, hey, you're you're upset. I reflected on what is making me upset.
00;03;03;02 - 00;03;22;10
Rances
Explored it, expressed it. She understood. But it's a me issue. It wasn't a US issue. It was in a her issue. It was a ME issue. But me acknowledging like, okay, I'm snapping for no reason. And that's the part where like shifting from like, oh, because I asked you to do this, I can go into that room that's ineffective.
00;03;23;02 - 00;03;31;21
Rances
It's just for me to be right. I feel right. Well, actually, what is it about me? That's. That's upset here. Is it's effective.
00;03;32;28 - 00;04;02;08
Paola
I found that being curious is has been the best thing for not just my this relationship but any relationship is like whatever I'm feeling something with something gets my reaction. Me being curious instead of assuming because I assume a lot is what I do. And going to find out is that it's what I'm feeling. The reality, the intention behind somebody else's actions.
00;04;02;19 - 00;04;22;02
Paola
Being curious enough to not take it personal, like you said, has been very good. But I said I'm very petty and I typically like the choosing, the battles. I ask myself all the time, it's like, what do I want to be right? Or Do I want to be effective and that's a question that I asked myself in all of my settings at work.
00;04;22;02 - 00;04;38;03
Paola
I'm like, Do I want to be right or do I want to be effective? And if it's not going to be effective, I'm going to drop it with Rances though I have the opportunity to. Still, because pettiness doesn't go away, you just choose the high road. I have the opportunity to be like, You know what I really want it to end.
00;04;39;20 - 00;04;40;10
Paola
And I think.
00;04;40;25 - 00;04;51;22
Jason
I do the same thing. And usually that sometimes will still get me in trouble. I didn't say those you like. You just said like, yeah, but I didn't say the context of the argument, honestly, you know, that that's what that's the first thought that.
00;04;51;22 - 00;04;53;08
Paola
Cloud myself from saying.
00;04;53;09 - 00;05;01;05
Jason
This is why I don't speak certain times and I'm angry because shit like that's going to come out, you know, real sarcastic and i can be an asshole. And now you hate me.
00;05;01;06 - 00;05;18;08
Paola
Yeah, well, I do it. I will resolve the conflict. And then I say, Let me tell you what I really wanted to say in the moment. And then some days I won't resolve the conflict. He'll snap. And and that's it. That's the moment when he said like he said, he snapped about something. I was like, Oh, well, why?
00;05;18;20 - 00;05;28;16
Paola
What to do? Yeah, I can. If I'm having a day too, that could have turned into He snaps, oh.
00;05;28;16 - 00;05;29;10
Jason
You want to see a snap.
00;05;29;10 - 00;05;41;06
Paola
Yeah, like, let's do this, let's dance, you know, like, and then you go into this back and forth, it goes into a bigger waste of time at this point for us is a waste of time because we haven't learned how to communicate.
00;05;42;00 - 00;06;05;06
Paola
And I'm not saying arguing is a waste of time. It's not a waste of time. It's always good to argue if you have room for improvement on your communication style, but then it's it's the learning from it of like, oh, he's saying this, I'm going to do that. Let's not do that. Let's go to the issue right? So it becomes that.
00;06;05;06 - 00;06;28;19
Paola
So I've learned that with Rances or just in our relationship, I'm still able to express my sarcasm and be an asshole when I want to be, because it's a safe space where it's not taking out of context. And the idea is that it's not taken out of context, which would. It's good because that doesn't go away. You need.
00;06;28;19 - 00;06;52;11
Jason
That release. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get that 100%. I notice that there's times like I know when my girls in the mood because usually with her she she she's a overachiever. And there are certain times I'm like, you just put so much on your plate that you stressed yourself out and already know it. Because I see the manic look in your eyes right now.
00;06;52;23 - 00;07;11;04
Jason
And then I know that you're going to start lashing out at me. And I'm like, that's like, I know where you're coming from. Let's take let's take a breather. Let's think about why you're upset right now. Like, is it me or is it because you put a lot on your plate and now you feel like everything's caving in on you?
00;07;11;04 - 00;07;26;29
Jason
And I'm just going to tell you, let's cut off the excess fat and let's just do it makes you feel good. And then we'll go from there because I can't deal with you fucking being this mean right now, because I only know one way to deal with this. And it's not a good way to be active. It's not effective.
00;07;26;29 - 00;07;45;00
Jason
It's just going to make you worse. It's going to make my day worse. So now I respect that a lot because there are certain times where I just say stuff I'm not even thinking. And she's like, Did you just hear what you said? But no, this he plays only. Oh, I could see how that.
00;07;45;00 - 00;07;46;02
Paola
Would be taken.
00;07;46;02 - 00;07;51;26
Jason
That way. Yeah. And I could see why you want me to sing from the couch right now. I go, It's understood. Understood.
00;07;51;26 - 00;08;15;12
Paola
Funny you say that about trying to achieve too many things. This is the this is the well, number one complaint, because I think Rances also recognizes that sometimes it's like, do you see what you're doing? And I'm like, no, it's like you want to do all these things and you're not taking into account, you know, physics and reality and just like it can be done.
00;08;15;20 - 00;08;23;21
Paola
And it's this, you know, delusional thing that I can do it all, which I can. It's just people cooperated. Oh.
00;08;24;11 - 00;08;32;26
Jason
I had that talk this morning. It's like, girl, you got that cut out. One of the things that you want to do today, because I guarantee you're not going to get to all of them and it's going to be my problem somehow.
00;08;32;27 - 00;08;37;27
Paola
Then you're going to get upset, which is life. Yeah, for sure.
00;08;37;27 - 00;08;54;00
Rances
I think another aspect to that is like with the kids, we do a lot of yeah, we literally take each other in and out. So when one of us, like I say, we're parenting and we're already like, we're past the edge and we're just snapping, just like with the kids, just like.
00;08;54;08 - 00;08;54;18
Rances
No.
00;08;54;21 - 00;08;58;21
Rances
“I said, go do that. And you did this.”
00;08;58;21 - 00;09;11;10
Rances
We walk up, we go like this to each other and we recognize so we walk out the room and the other one takes place with Zen, like, okay, guys, what's. Going on here, What’s happening?
00;09;11;10 - 00;09;14;25
Jason
So you guys have, like, good cop bad cop situations, I'm assuming, where it's like.
00;09;15;02 - 00;09;40;25
Rances
No, it's just there's there's so let's say I'm having a tough situation with the kids, trying to get them to do something or whatever. And like I started at this Zen place and it starts to build. Starts to build, the frustration starts to build, starts to build. When we see that building Paola will walk in high five and she will come back from that Zen place and it starts to build, I'll come back in.
00;09;41;08 - 00;09;49;25
Rances
So we have this tag team approach that like we literally like tag each other thing. So sometimes, you know, like, yes, you were so in the room that we go.
00;09;51;07 - 00;09;52;12
Paola
Yeah, he has to catch me.
00;09;52;13 - 00;09;53;14
Rances
And it was like, Oh, I can.
00;09;53;14 - 00;09;56;03
Jason
Take this before i kill one of them. just take it
00;09;56;03 - 00;10;00;13
Paola
No he takes it of I'm ready to fight my kids, I'm ready to fight them.
00;10;00;24 - 00;10;02;07
Jason
Paola is squaring up.
00;10;03;04 - 00;10;07;14
Paola
He's like, I already tagged you out. I’m like “NO, I can stay”!
00;10;08;18 - 00;10;25;07
Jason
I, I have a question for you, though, because like me, you're in a relatively newer relationship that's serious. What have been some of your findings now that you're older, living with somebody compared to like in the past.
00;10;25;07 - 00;10;26;13
Rances
Before you guys have that question.
00;10;26;22 - 00;10;36;04
Jason
How long have you been in your relationship? How long have you. And I think it's going on three years. Four years. So it's 40 years, two years. And both a.
00;10;36;19 - 00;10;57;10
Moises
Marina and I have been together for over a year. A little over a year, you know. Yeah. I mean, well, I had the great opportunity to watch them argue and fight, so one thing about me is that I learned I think I believe I learned very quickly and I'm able to apply things very, very fast. Yeah. So like we
00;10;57;10 - 00;10;59;28
Rances
see his arrogance.
00;10;59;28 - 00;11;01;20
Paola
He's just really smart, you guys.
00;11;01;29 - 00;11;24;25
Moises
I am smart man. That's why Rances keeps me around to the not, like difficult as you wouldn't be able to handle with every syllable of my fucking pettiness to two people petty around him. Like we had gone on a trip to upstate New York and they had gotten into an argument over breakfast. And Marina and I were there just.
00;11;25;02 - 00;11;25;25
Paola
Witnessing.
00;11;25;25 - 00;11;28;01
Moises
Watching, and I literally
00;11;28;01 - 00;11;29;15
Rances
made it mad. Awkward for them,
00;11;29;15 - 00;11;30;02
Jason
of course.
00;11;30;02 - 00;11;31;04
Moises
No, it wasn’t awkward. I
00;11;31;04 - 00;11;32;04
Rances
well Marina was.
00;11;32;04 - 00;11;33;15
Moises
Marina was probably feeling a little awkward.
00;11;33;16 - 00;11;36;25
Jason
reallycause you’re used to it. You're like, Oh, Mom and Dad are fighting whatever...
00;11;37;08 - 00;11;57;20
Moises
But I always take it as an opportunity to learn because I'm like, Oh, this is how they they convert. So like, I remember you guys said, well, the way that we argue now is like we're not even yelling at each other anymore. And I was like, All right, how do I skip over that entire process of like them having to yell at each other as like, we're Marina and I don't have to yell at each other.
00;11;57;20 - 00;12;18;16
Moises
We could just have a conversation. So then I watch and I learn and I just cut their process down in half, which is what I do. So I try to become the most efficient, that create the most efficient process. And literally after they left and we started going home, Marina and I did an analytical breakdown of their entire argument
00;12;18;16 - 00;12;21;06
Jason
the coach in you came out, you're like, All right, you see that X over here? You see, that.
00;12;21;06 - 00;12;54;20
Moises
the way they did this. And it did this and like their perspectives. And then we went back and then we had lunch with both of you and we gave our perspectives on like, well, I didn't necessarily believe that Paola was in, in the right. What she was arguing was affected. But then we got more information. And I think it's for me, it's being able to observe that like those things had helped my relationship with Marina out. that there are personal things that I still have to work on.
00;12;55;00 - 00;12;55;22
Jason
That we all had.
00;12;55;27 - 00;12;56;23
Moises
That affect the release.
00;12;56;23 - 00;12;57;22
Jason
Until the day we die.
00;12;58;02 - 00;12;58;12
Moises
Yeah.
00;12;58;12 - 00;12;59;09
Jason
And then some.
00;12;59;09 - 00;13;07;24
Moises
Yeah. One thing that I struggle with still is like in the moment that I'm not comfortable with something like actually speaking about it. Right.
00;13;07;29 - 00;13;10;19
Jason
And you still shut down a little bit.
00;13;10;19 - 00;13;11;20
Paola
Oh, you brush it.
00;13;11;26 - 00;13;33;20
Moises
I try to. I think it's more of a suppression thing. Like I try to suppress it to see like what information or what else am I missing in terms of like where I'm wrong. I do this a lot with Rances, where like I go to three weeks being pissed, quiet until I find more information and either solidifies my point of view or says You're wrong.
00;13;33;20 - 00;13;35;00
Paola
So you let things simmer.
00;13;35;27 - 00;13;48;08
Moises
Yeah, but it's because it's like no knowledge. And and I'm not willing to go out and get that knowledge. I get that data right. Like I do. I want to have that conversation because I don't want to feel wrong yet.
00;13;48;08 - 00;13;50;08
Rances
And that's that's a bit for me.
00;13;50;23 - 00;13;52;00
Jason
Thats honest thought, I appreciate that.
00;13;52;15 - 00;14;15;25
Rances
That's been something for me that I've had to learn from actually, both of you, because like, like I said before, I like to go into it right now, like, oh, we right now and like, like Mo in the past. Like when I push them too hard, it becomes a fucking blow up, It's like. Like literally dynamite going off. Yeah.
00;14;15;26 - 00;14;18;13
Moises
that was only one time man.
00;14;18;13 - 00;14;30;17
Rances
uh. Okay, so there was a one time on Zoom. There was a one time when we did it at the center, there was clients were there, and we had a blow up. There was a time in your basement. There had been
00;14;30;17 - 00;14;34;03
Rances
Not that I blew up that we we had arguements, yeah.
00;14;34;14 - 00;14;37;07
Paola
Now you push us you to have the you know.
00;14;37;07 - 00;14;42;09
Moises
But there is one time that I really blew up, like I just started throwing it over. Yeah, this motherfucker was trying to.
00;14;42;20 - 00;14;45;24
Jason
wait you're throwing stuff, on zoom That's the least effective.
00;14;45;25 - 00;14;56;03
Moises
yea i just like, fucking through my book across the Room. And I like this. I it's rare for me to get that angry where I was, like, exhausted the rest of the entire night.
00;14;56;04 - 00;14;58;03
Jason
I bet. Yeah. You just
00;14;58;03 - 00;14;58;19
Paola
The anger took over.
00;14;58;19 - 00;15;00;04
Moises
literally took over.
00;15;00;05 - 00;15;00;16
Jason
Yeah.
00;15;00;28 - 00;15;18;19
Rances
Like. But like, to that point, like that, like immediately, like he just hung up the zoom call for me, that was, like, super frustrating because, like, we didn't. We didn't resolved, we didn't, we didn't come with solutions. So what I did was like, I did that on my own. I started journaling immediately after the call and like reflecting on everything.
00;15;20;16 - 00;15;50;06
Rances
So like I've had to learn that aspect of like and Paola can be the same way where if, if I push too much, it's like what you said is like there's just explosion and like a reaction, which then if you square up with me, like I try to keep my calm. But once I hit that point where I was like, I'm past the stress now I'm a B, B belligerent as well, so that now is like, dammit, when I realize in the moment what I'm like screaming.
00;15;50;06 - 00;16;12;13
Rances
I, like, realized shit. I lost. I lost the pace here. I got to bring myself back to call and I'm able to do that in the moment. But like Paola, for example, if she's in that, she she tells me, no, no, stop pushing. All right. So I've kind of learned that with Paola and applied it to Moises. When I see I'm like in that edge where he's, like, bubbling.
00;16;12;13 - 00;16;13;16
Paola
I also in a rage.
00;16;13;16 - 00;16;16;24
Jason
And what does that do? Yeah, what does that do?
00;16;16;24 - 00;16;19;18
Rances
So I've had to learn how to like pull back a bit.
00;16;19;18 - 00;16;20;23
Jason
Choose your battle.
00;16;20;23 - 00;16;30;24
Rances
From that. Yeah. Because like for me it's funny because you ask that question and my first thought was like, I don't choose battle. Every single battle go into it, every sort of battle.
00;16;30;24 - 00;16;37;27
Jason
And I feel head on it. Yeah. All right. Goggins Relax.
00;16;38;04 - 00;17;04;10
Rances
But this because literally that's that's how I, I go through the emotion of the experience to me is like, what are we trying to do here immediately? Like, my brain goes into that. And if I don't, so like a Mo talked about him like he'll take a few weeks or Paola like maybe a few hours. But for me those few weeks, those few hours eternity.
00;17;04;21 - 00;17;15;18
Rances
Yes. Like I'm just like so like that's the thing that I try to avoid. So for me, for my personal reasons, I want to go solve this immediately. I
00;17;15;18 - 00;17;18;27
Moises
want to hear some more truth. Sometimes I do it on purpose because I know that it drives him crazy.
00;17;18;27 - 00;17;19;27
Rances
Petty!
00;17;20;06 - 00;17;26;21
Paola
I'm just going to say it. The aspect of you're telling me we have to do this, fuck you, I'm not doing it. Yeah.
00;17;27;07 - 00;17;44;04
Jason
I have a question for you because this is a question I brought up the other week. You're you're married to somebody who's essentially he's a coach. Right. And his whole viewpoints idea to fix problems. Are there other times he like, I'm just talking to you and I don't need you to fix shit. I just need to shut up and listen Sometimes
00;17;44;04 - 00;17;45;11
Paola
I tell him.
00;17;45;19 - 00;17;46;27
Jason
Okay, you have to
00;17;46;27 - 00;17;53;16
Paola
I tell him don't coach me. I don't want a solution. I want to vent. And then what did it tell me? This person, stupid.
00;17;53;23 - 00;18;04;02
Jason
I learned that too, because with with my girlfriend, she starts a story. Sometimes I'm like, Do you need me to listen? Do you need advice or am I just going to talk? I mean, also because I'm cool with whatever you need.
00;18;04;12 - 00;18;04;27
Paola
Tell me which one
00;18;04;27 - 00;18;14;28
Jason
Let me get. let me know what you need from me and I'll give it to you, I promise. It's that simple with me. Like, just tell me what you need and you get it.
00;18;14;28 - 00;18;18;24
Paola
Sometimes I just need to vent about work and I'm like. And I just want to go off.
00;18;19;08 - 00;18;19;17
Jason
Yeah.
00;18;20;13 - 00;18;38;18
Paola
Because sometimes he try so was like, no, I don't want a solution there,an idiot. And that's it. So, and I, and I have to stop him because he can't help himself sometimes. So nothing's like he starts asking me questions to gather more information. And I was like, No, this is not. And I'm like, This is not it. I don't want your advice.
00;18;38;19 - 00;18;54;29
Jason
Jason here with Mindset U and I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for tuning in and watching us every week since Mindset U is taking a different approach. We need your help coming up with new topics of stuff that you want to hear so that we can give you the best quality possible, the best content possible in general.
00;18;55;14 - 00;19;11;17
Jason
It's fun. Come on, help us out. Help us help you. Anyway, you can head over to VidaProject.com Watch any of the old episodes. Any of the new upcoming episodes are coming. You can also check us out on Instagram and YouTube and anywhere else you could possibly think of that he wants to be let us know. We'll be there.
00;19;11;27 - 00;19;14;26
Jason
All right. Thank you so much.