Parents Collide: Who Will Win?
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In this episode of Mindset U, the focus is Parenting Mindset. We're discussing the 20-year relationship between parents. We're talking about the challenges and opportunities of raising kids and discussing the mission statement, core values, and roles parents need to have to have a harmonious and fulfilling relationship.
Ultimately, this video is about creating alignment between parents to ensure that the children raised by them have a strong foundation on which to build their lives.
After watching this video, you'll better understand the challenges and opportunities in a long-term relationship and be better equipped to make decisions that will help you and your partner thrive in the long term!
0:00 - Intro
0:21 - Fuck Up And Learn
1:13 - Parenting Business
3:10 - Father's freedom VS mothering
5:48 - Jay, the adult who was mothered
8:01 - Latin Mothers Care
10:00 - Moises The Angel
11:15 - Parenting Mission statement
13:09 - Aligned But Separate
16:29 - Roles And Responsibilities
19:12 - Tell us your thoughts
00;00;00;00 - 00;00;03;25
Jason
What it's like dealing with different parenting styles and how do you navigate that?
00;00;03;25 - 00;00;07;06
Rances
That I value the ability to experience the world.
00;00;07;07 - 00;00;15;01
Paola
I have a fear. Something happening to them because we've coddled them so much. I want to mother my children.
00;00;15;04 - 00;00;20;00
Rances
We treat parenting like a business.
00;00;22;22 - 00;00;40;13
Jason
I always look at it like to piggyback off of that. Like when you watch like a like a Skate video, for example, right? You see these guys using these incredible tricks and it's like, how the hell did he land that? It's like, you don't realize how much work went into that one trick. Sometimes it took months just to get that 10 second clip.
00;00;41;01 - 00;01;04;06
Jason
And and I think that translates a lot into whether it's boxing, whether it's martial arts. It it translates lost relationships or it it it's going to fuck up more than it's going to be great sometimes. But those fuck ups was what makes it great because you've learned so much about each other and you learn things that you would have never known otherwise unless you guys didn't face that conflict.
00;01;06;09 - 00;01;31;12
Jason
And I think that's going to translate over to what I want to talk about now, is is now that you guys have kids who are getting older, conflicting parents, styles and stuff like that, and how does that affect your guys relationship? I know the last episode we talked about going to the hospital, how you didn't go to the hospital until late 2014, but your family was always in the hospital and I think especially Hector.
00;01;31;12 - 00;01;32;25
Paola
Breaking every bone in his body.
00;01;33;02 - 00;01;44;00
Jason
Off of anything. So like I would love to hear you guys talk more about what it's like dealing with different parenting styles and how how do you navigate that?
00;01;44;12 - 00;01;54;12
Rances
Oh, I think part of it goes back to that original point of like our experiences, we've been together since we were 16, right? We were both 16. Or where you 15?
00;01;54;12 - 00;01;55;11
Paola
16
00;01;55;12 - 00;02;07;26
Rances
We're both so we're both 16 meaning that a lot of our life experiences have actually been aligned but before that point, that's when it really deviates. Right. Because Paola was born in Dominican Republic.
00;02;08;02 - 00;02;14;12
Rances
I was born in New York City, raised there till nine years old. Paola was raised in New York, in.
00;02;14;12 - 00;02;16;09
Paola
Dominican Republic until I was nine.
00;02;16;10 - 00;02;24;02
Rances
So and then she came to the Bronx, so like there there was a a big different dynamic to that point.
00;02;26;12 - 00;02;56;26
Rances
But what our decisions when it comes to parenting, I think we treat parenting like a business. We have a core value for we have core values for our kids. We have a mission statement for our kids. And that's what keeps us in alignment. There are things that that we clash on, but it goes back into that conflict of we're able to discuss it.
00;02;56;26 - 00;03;37;24
Rances
So like, for example, something that that we've clashed on is like you guys saw when we're finishing setting up. My kids were leaving the house. Right. The kids freedoms, having the kids explore the neighborhood. And that that's been a thing that we've clashed about from for. Because for me, like I grew up with in New York City, being out and about in the streets all the time as a kid right around the block and that helped me develop freedom and understanding and relationship skills and all that stuff.
00;03;38;11 - 00;04;00;25
Rances
And then growing up, because I was the youngest, it also had a big impact in my teenage years because when I was a teenager, my, my, my siblings are much older than me. So my oldest brother is 11 years older than me, my sister seven years older than me, and my brother's five years older. So by the time my parents got to me, they were like exhausted.
00;04;01;07 - 00;04;30;23
Rances
So my teenage years, my parents were like, I'd do whatever you want, right? And I had learned a lot from my, my siblings, like, from their experiences. So teenage years, I had like all the freedom my, my parents rarely like even said anything to me. And there was a summer where I was basically just figuring it out the entire summer because we had sold the house and my parents were staying in a hotel while we were still trying to find a new house.
00;04;31;06 - 00;04;44;19
Rances
And I had a job that if I stayed in the hotel, I couldn't get to the job. So I was like, Don't worry about me. And I was just sleeping over a friend's house and figuring it out in the summer. Sometimes I just stay up or walking around town the whole night and then go to work the following day.
00;04;44;24 - 00;05;07;25
Rances
Like, I felt like I experienced this whole level of like almost college age experience in these, these high school years. So for me, all that to say is that I value the ability to experience the world in that way at an early age and let me create a greater perspective. But I had a lot of resistsance.
00;05;07;25 - 00;05;09;28
Paola
I am a mother.
00;05;10;14 - 00;05;31;23
Paola
So I want to mother my children. And that's not to say I was also out and about with my younger brother Hector. At eight years old, we were walking, crossing the grand conkers in the Bronx by ourselves, walking two or three miles to get to school like I was out to. I just feel like my kids are so innocent.
00;05;31;23 - 00;05;47;14
Paola
Then we haven’t prepared them and I have a fear of something happening to them because we've coddled them so much and it's hard to undo. I've gotten much better.
00;05;47;18 - 00;05;54;03
Jason
You sound like my mom. My mom is the same exact way I took her while it was like you could cross the street. I'd. You can see from the window.
00;05;55;06 - 00;05;56;24
Paola
You see the thoughts across.
00;05;56;24 - 00;06;00;15
Moises
Space. This man was going to kill me. You had an 18, 20 years old
00;06;00;15 - 00;06;04;17
Jason
Yeah, I was in college, and she was threatening to take me off the wheel because I lied about.
00;06;05;02 - 00;06;06;23
Moises
Yeah, I got him in trouble.
00;06;06;23 - 00;06;08;04
Paola
And what did you do?
00;06;08;21 - 00;06;11;04
Jason
So, you know, when you first get your life,
00;06;11;04 - 00;06;11;29
Rances
you were the tattletale weren’t you?
00;06;11;29 - 00;06;12;11
Moises
No!
00;06;12;25 - 00;06;14;25
Jason
He can't be tattletale off himself.
00;06;15;13 - 00;06;21;17
Moises
It was an accident. Like, I didn't mean to say once I realized what I did, I was like.
00;06;21;17 - 00;06;23;22
Jason
I got a text like, “bro, I fucked up. I am so sorry”.
00;06;24;13 - 00;06;25;04
Paola
What happened?
00;06;25;15 - 00;06;43;28
Jason
Long story short, I got my license. My mom was like a real stickler for, like, if it's after midnight drive, I can't drive. So the thing was, Moises was we were the same age when was a little bit older than me. So it was like Mo is going to drive the car and so Moises is her other son so she’s like “perfect”
00;06;43;28 - 00;07;04;27
Jason
Moises is Like, I aint driving your fucking car. You're driving your car. Shut up. All right, so I'm a freshman in college, I'm up in Albany, and my mom is coming up to visit me. She's bringing my car with Moises in tow. So they get in the car and I know it's early and he's useless. It's early in the morning, especially back then.
00;07;05;14 - 00;07;07;00
Rances
he still is today
00;07;07;00 - 00;07;14;16
Jason
and. And I'll never forget it. She goes to him. How's the car drive? He goes, Oh, no, I never driven it before
00;07;14;16 - 00;07;17;03
Paola
STOP!
00;07;17;03 - 00;07;21;11
Jason
So that's like immediately when you first got in the car.
00;07;21;11 - 00;07;25;11
Moises
No, it wasn't even. It wasn't. We weren't even in the car. You were going towards the car.
00;07;25;11 - 00;07;26;03
Jason
Oh my god!
00;07;26;03 - 00;07;32;08
Moises
Yea cause I was going to be drive in first. Yeah. And she's like, so how's the car driver? I was like, I don't know. I never driven it.
00;07;32;08 - 00;07;37;04
Moises
She's like, What? And I'm like, Yeah.
00;07;37;04 - 00;07;43;25
Jason
And I get the phone call. All phone calls. Like, I like I laundered money. Like I did something to get like a killed somebody
00;07;43;25 - 00;07;45;23
Moises
“I’m taking you off the will”
00;07;45;23 - 00;07;47;23
Jason
“You're fucking liar”
00;07;47;24 - 00;07;49;01
Paola
“I can’t believe you did this”
00;07;50;04 - 00;07;53;26
Jason
In the whole time I’m like you looking at the phone.
00;07;54;08 - 00;07;57;27
Jason
I was like “it was your fucking idea”!
00;07;57;27 - 00;08;08;16
Jason
How are you doing this to me? So and this is also to her defense, she was going through like the beginning stages of menopause and she was a monster.
00;08;08;16 - 00;08;09;23
Moises
Yeah, she was always scary.
00;08;10;11 - 00;08;13;18
Jason
She was always huge. And she's. And that's the one thing
00;08;13;18 - 00;08;14;22
Paola
she cares.
00;08;14;22 - 00;08;26;03
Jason
Yeah, but you got to show your caring in the weirdest you Latin ladies show your caring in the weirdest way possible because it's usually between the threat if you get hurt, I’ma fuck you up when you get home.
00;08;26;03 - 00;08;30;04
Moises
It's like, no, but that. And that's like that. New York Latina.
00;08;30;04 - 00;08;30;23
Jason
Yeah, I'm.
00;08;30;24 - 00;08;39;29
Moises
Like, but I also like, not just like but like an American. New York is not like your typical, like, Dominican or Puerto Rican that don’t Speak English. It's like
00;08;39;29 - 00;08;41;08
Paola
I'm from here. Yeah.
00;08;41;08 - 00;08;42;16
Jason
“I’ma fuck you up!”
00;08;42;18 - 00;08;43;18
Moises
“Ima slice your face.”
00;08;43;26 - 00;08;44;11
Jason
Yeah.
00;08;44;11 - 00;08;45;08
Moises
“Almost stab you”.
00;08;45;08 - 00;08;47;18
Jason
Yeah. it was always a threat.
00;08;47;18 - 00;08;49;16
Moises
She’s Always been strong with her words the way.
00;08;49;16 - 00;08;56;00
Jason
Like never, never laid a hand on me. But they need to because those threats were so solid and you.
00;08;56;01 - 00;08;56;15
Paola
you Felt them.
00;08;56;27 - 00;08;57;20
Jason
So strong.
00;08;57;21 - 00;08;59;20
Rances
So descriptive. So he's.
00;08;59;20 - 00;09;00;16
Jason
So descriptive.
00;09;00;16 - 00;09;05;01
Moises
its interesting because his mom is like super corporate, so you speak to her and she's like the most professional.
00;09;05;16 - 00;09;05;25
Moises
Person.
00;09;05;25 - 00;09;08;29
Moises
And then when the other side is like the coins.
00;09;09;06 - 00;09;19;09
Jason
And what's even better is where where that side comes out, right? And then the phone rings and that's like, hello, Martha Moreno speaking. Who are you?
00;09;19;09 - 00;09;20;15
Moises
I was always terrified of her
00;09;20;15 - 00;09;24;21
Jason
Who are you? And she's gotten a lot better over the years.
00;09;24;23 - 00;09;43;16
Paola
You've gotten older, so she's got a little less fear. But it's a real thing that there is a real thing for your safety. And and I've I've let go a little bit of the kids like they went out you didn't see me freaking out. We're tracking them. We're doing all of it. But I think it's it's a real thing.
00;09;44;03 - 00;09;59;17
Paola
You're going to worry about somebody being out there and your child getting taken advantage of or or just being stupid, being a kid, you know, because you do dumb shit as a kid, a lot of dumb shit. So I'm just going.
00;09;59;17 - 00;10;00;11
Moises
i didn’t do dumb shit.
00;10;00;27 - 00;10;02;20
Moises
No, I was. I was the angel.
00;10;03;04 - 00;10;03;17
Paola
Shut up.
00;10;04;05 - 00;10;05;16
Moises
I’m serious, Jay tell them.
00;10;06;03 - 00;10;09;26
Jason
So I'm trying to think like there's plenty of dumb shit that we've done.
00;10;09;29 - 00;10;11;23
Paola
You've done dumb shit with him, I'm sure.
00;10;11;23 - 00;10;13;11
Jason
Oh yeah. I've eaten plenty of dumb shit.
00;10;13;11 - 00;10;22;01
Moises
I mean I supervise the dumb shit and that's what I was there for. Like when I met Jay, I was the tallest kid and like third grade, his mom was like YOU watch over my son.
00;10;22;01 - 00;10;23;03
Jason
yes, pretty much.
00;10;25;03 - 00;10;26;20
Jason
Yeah. And we're going away
00;10;26;20 - 00;10;28;24
Moises
I’m a kid
00;10;28;24 - 00;10;42;10
Jason
Yeah, we're going away for a peak where like in Lindbergh they take you to like the Poconos or some shit like that. And my dad was just like you, you know, I carry a bag. Yeah, take his bag. Make sure he's okay. Yeah.
00;10;42;10 - 00;10;43;22
Jason
And I also have like three for two.
00;10;44;20 - 00;10;45;01
Moises
Yeah.
00;10;45;04 - 00;10;45;17
Moises
Jay, was.
00;10;45;17 - 00;10;46;09
Jason
I was tiny.
00;10;46;19 - 00;10;48;24
Rances
I mean, babe, You were. You were that kid.
00;10;49;17 - 00;10;50;15
Paola
the supervisor?
00;10;50;21 - 00;10;56;13
Rances
You always tattletale on all your siblings for even, like sneezing.
00;10;56;15 - 00;11;04;07
Paola
listen. Hector was trying to run across the concourse. The Grand Concourse? You know how many kids I saw get smashed? A lot.
00;11;04;07 - 00;11;05;21
Jason
You need to tell that, Hector.
00;11;06;15 - 00;11;07;21
Paola
I kept them alive.
00;11;08;00 - 00;11;11;11
Jason
That save Hector from Hector. It's a lot of times.
00;11;11;11 - 00;11;14;12
Paola
I kept them alive. All right? That's. That's what I like to think.
00;11;14;12 - 00;11;40;17
Rances
I but, like, so the way we will resolve that is, number one, it goes back to, like, the mission statement of for our kids. So like our mission statement for kids is for Logan and Emma to be challenging adults, the sorry for Logan and Emma to be was what's the word impact not impacting when they make a decision they got to go to.
00;11;40;20 - 00;11;42;13
Paola
But as humans who challenge.
00;11;43;15 - 00;11;48;18
Rances
The challenge world for the better. But no the first part is that we have a written in the in the kitchen.
00;11;49;06 - 00;11;49;29
Paola
Self sufficiant humans.
00;11;49;29 - 00;11;51;12
Jason
How often do you read it?
00;11;51;24 - 00;11;53;21
Rances
Every day. Actually, in fact.
00;11;54;08 - 00;11;59;10
Rances
So with me, like it's like the word, the meaning of the words become an image in my head.
00;11;59;10 - 00;12;03;25
Jason
Your dad is I feel like all dads once you become a dad you are like words mean nothing.
00;12;04;16 - 00;12;11;29
Rances
No. For me, I think is my dyslexia is the way I take information and convert it into something else. So like.
00;12;12;12 - 00;12;13;23
Jason
blame your disability.
00;12;14;01 - 00;12;16;19
Rances
Is not blaming. I know
00;12;16;19 - 00;12;19;09
Moises
it sounds like you're blaming
00;12;19;09 - 00;12;21;15
Paola
self-sufficient Humans who challenge the world for the better.
00;12;21;17 - 00;12;22;10
Rances
Yes.
00;12;22;10 - 00;12;22;25
Jason
There you go
00;12;22;25 - 00;12;42;05
Rances
She's the word. And there you go, you see. So anyways, going back to the thing is like that's what we look back at when we where we can we come to a crossroads where we like we were arguing we both are you saying good points and whatever we go back to let's go look at the mission statement.
00;12;42;13 - 00;13;05;02
Rances
What is the mission statement and the core values say how do how does that solve this crossroad? Yeah, to me. And you tell me if I'm wrong, but to me that is like we came up with that together. So like that is both of us there. So therefore when we're in that situation where we can decide, we look at that and it it makes things clearer as like, okay.
00;13;05;24 - 00;13;27;19
Paola
And I'm sorry, go ahead. There's also the aspect of us understanding that we're separate people and understanding that we've done our values together of our shared values. But we've also seen what are not your values are. And there's things that I value that he doesn't.
00;13;28;06 - 00;13;30;00
Jason
So can we talk about some of those?
00;13;30;00 - 00;13;54;23
Paola
Sure. And it's not that he doesn't value, but it is not as high on his list of priorities are different. Right. So he was going to tell you about the garbage story of like why I was talking about taking out the garbage is one of my values is so you have non-negotiables, certain things that are non-negotiable of like integrity, like that's a non-negotiable.
00;13;55;00 - 00;14;22;13
Paola
We're going to keep our word and and say what? Say the truth. Right? Or be truthful. Even when no one's looking, you're doing the right thing. That's what it means to us. Right. So I have a thing with the house, Spanish, me, whatever it is. Like when things are out of place, I can think straight and I become that monster that you talk about and your mom just completely unrehearsed.
00;14;22;13 - 00;14;29;04
Jason
So I love your mom. You're not a monster most of the time.
00;14;29;08 - 00;14;51;00
Paola
But what I do not like orderly, orderly environment makes me a happy person. That's what I value. I value that really highly on my list. And so with my kids, that's something that I'm going to hold them to. So Rances its not that he's a slob. He's not he just doesn't hold that the first priority.
00;14;51;21 - 00;15;01;12
Rances
I think it goes into into other elements. So for me is like organization is is huge. So that's the higher value versus your is like.
00;15;01;23 - 00;15;03;00
Paola
No shit on the table.
00;15;03;20 - 00;15;09;16
Rances
Yeah. Like if I have a bunch of things on the table and it's all organized, I'm like, this is perfection.
00;15;09;16 - 00;15;11;19
Moises
So it could be on a chair, just can't be on the table.
00;15;13;02 - 00;15;15;17
Jason
Just see the look that she just gave you, right?
00;15;15;17 - 00;15;35;00
Paola
Really. We were at a drive. That's like that's why he's saying it. Because we want to drive. How much stuff is on the chair now since that drive zero. How much stuff have they left there? Because I've been conscious of not living shit on the chair because Rances is complaining about me. Leave me shit on the chair now I'm just like your stuff is there.
00;15;35;06 - 00;15;36;24
Paola
Mine isn't so.
00;15;37;01 - 00;15;41;19
Rances
You tried to, but then you're like, Damn, I've seen you have seen you like it. And you're like, Damn, he already picked it up.
00;15;41;28 - 00;15;45;11
Paola
No, you left it there for like four days last time. But anyways.
00;15;46;02 - 00;15;50;28
Rances
It's so like this. Here's a better, better scenario. Countertop.
00;15;51;13 - 00;15;51;24
Paola
Yes.
00;15;52;09 - 00;16;01;17
Rances
So Paola believes that nothing should be on the countertop. So you guys ever seen, like, people have microwaves or ovens on the countertop, right?
00;16;01;17 - 00;16;02;18
Paola
Or they're blenders.
00;16;03;07 - 00;16;09;20
Rances
Paola has this thing against it. she’s like No, it needs to be clean Just the marble or whatever.
00;16;09;20 - 00;16;15;11
Paola
When I'm going to go cook and I bring out the thing I need fucking space to put things down can't just, like, have things, but.
00;16;16;00 - 00;16;37;20
Rances
Even if you had the biggest island and whatever, you still wouldn't want anything on the counter. Just right to me is like, we can put it on the countertop and have it make it look nice, organize and in a functional way. But this is like where the disagreements happen because she's like, no, nothing on the countertop for me is like organization with the countertop.
00;16;37;28 - 00;17;05;26
Rances
So then we clash and then that's where like we draw is again going to that business perspective. We take on roles and responsibility in our relationship and we acknowledge when we're in someone else's domain where I'm in her domain. So it is like the organization of the kitchen or whatever, that's her domain and therefore she has the final say.
00;17;06;17 - 00;17;32;12
Rances
So it doesn't matter how much I value the organization, it doesn't matter. That's secondary to her domain when it comes to, for example, the the organizations of like the storage unit downstairs. That's my domain. So she's not going to even bring that up of like. No, I think it should be that she may throw suggestions in there, but like my final say is my final say on that.
00;17;32;19 - 00;17;43;14
Rances
Right. And I think acknowledging is like, okay, where are your domain? And sometimes we fight about that because we're, you know, like, for example, the car taking care of the cars is my domain.
00;17;43;14 - 00;17;44;05
Jason
Oh, it's your.
00;17;44;05 - 00;17;59;00
Rances
Domain is my home. Got it. Yeah. She, she expressed to me a while ago about like a, like I this is something that, that I want you to handle entirely because, like, it just feels confusing and powerless in all
00;17;59;00 - 00;18;00;03
Paola
I don't care.
00;18;00;20 - 00;18;22;17
Rances
While. Yeah. So I'll get in her car, I'll drive her car. I'm like, Dude, the car is smoking the tires or the brakes are screeching, what the hell? And she's like, Babe, I need you to handle that either. Okay? When it comes to, like, paperwork and stuff like that, that's her domain, right? Like because that just again, dyslexic mom, it makes me like.
00;18;22;17 - 00;18;36;22
Rances
Yeah, like with the kids, I still have to do a lot of it. And it's like, Hey, yo, take me like I take my kids to get something. I'll take me like the whole session while the kids are in there for 2 hours and I'm still trying to figure it. I'm like, sweating by the time they come on, I don't know if I did this.
00;18;37;15 - 00;18;38;07
Rances
So she handles.
00;18;38;07 - 00;18;41;11
Jason
Those the kids math test.
00;18;41;11 - 00;19;07;22
Rances
So like we've we've had a lot of discussions about domains like and when there's something that's up in the air and we don't know whose domain in it. We also addressed, I was like, Wait, who's taking care of this? Who's who's going to take responsibility? And sometimes that becomes a little bit of a fight because it's like, you know, we should both take care of it or this is common sense.
00;19;08;01 - 00;19;13;23
Rances
But again, then that's when we realized like we're just trying to win versus being effective.
00;19;14;03 - 00;19;30;29
Jason
Jason here with mindset U and I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for tuning in and watching us every week since Mindset U is Taking a different approach. We need your help coming up with new topics of stuff that you want to hear so that we can give you the best quality possible, the best content possible in general.
00;19;30;29 - 00;19;47;00
Jason
It's fun. Come on, help us out. Help us help you any way you can. Head over to VidaProject.com watch any of the old episodes, any of the new upcoming episodes are coming. You could also check us out on Instagram and YouTube and anywhere else you could possibly think of that you want to be. Let us know. We'll be there.
00;19;47;11 - 00;19;50;07
Jason
All right. Thank you so much.