20 Years of Love: How Fighting Brought Us Closer
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In this video, we will discuss one of the most important aspects of relationships: conflict. We all experience conflict in our relationships from time to time, and it cannot be easy to manage.
One person may shut down while the other might explode; does this mean the end of our union? Conflict resolution is a must for any couple, young or old. In this video, we'll talk about why fighting is essential for healthy relationships and how to get through conflict in a healthy way.
If you're looking for advice on healthy relationships, this video is for you! We'll explore everything you need to know about how to have a healthy relationship and handle complex conflicts. Watch and learn; this video is a must-watch if you want to learn how to build strong relationships that will last a lifetime!
0:00 - Intro
0:30 - You two think what??
3:10 - Looking for a fight
6:20 - The transition to good conflict
10:05 - Discomfort with your partner
13:02 - Hard to Find Opportunities
15:41 - The Art Of War
18:18 - Components Of a Strong Relationship
19:29 - Not Everyone is as Fortunate
20:44- Tell us your thoughts
00;00;30;02 - 00;00;48;04
Moises
I want to I want to go off that point, because you said something earlier that I'm like, I want to challenge because you're like, well, we have this arrogance that we can make it work with anybody. And part of me believes, okay, yes, I understand why you see it that way, because the malleability to how you are is personally these.
00;00;48;04 - 00;00;49;08
Moises
That's it's fine.
00;00;49;26 - 00;00;50;28
Rances
But there's the other 50.
00;00;50;28 - 00;01;19;27
Moises
Percent of that, which is the other person. And to say that you can work with anybody isn't entirely true, because there's that other 50% that you have to be. You have to either say, I don't want to be with that person or I want to. So there's like a contradicting kind of statement that goes there. I understand what you're trying to say, but like to the people out there that are trying to find that relationship.
00;01;20;00 - 00;01;20;12
Rances
You.
00;01;20;27 - 00;01;29;21
Moises
Like. Yes. What you're saying is it's you. You got to you can change. But then it's like, do you want to change that? Can you explain that?
00;01;30;03 - 00;01;53;28
Rances
So so for me here, here's the here's the basis of that belief. Like I mentioned before, I have a lot of strong relationships in my life. Right. Both with women, men. There's the other aspect that I'm a coach and I can actually impact someone into a transformation. Right.
00;01;54;01 - 00;01;55;00
Paola
Influencer.
00;01;55;14 - 00;02;51;11
Rances
Yeah. So with that, like I've been able to build relationships with some of the most difficult people like you. Like you. Like, for example, like with Moises. And our relationship was forged in like confrontation because Moises was serious about that, very resistant to confrontation. He was shut down. So like my influence, that just comes into the arrogance. And now when I say arrogance, I'm I'm looking at it as a thing that I know it's a bit of overinflated ego, so it may not be associated directly with reality, but it goes into my confidence as own power and belief that I choose to keep.
00;02;51;29 - 00;03;02;21
Rances
So with that being said, like I've been able to influence people to be individuals that can be in a relationship with me.
00;03;04;05 - 00;03;06;05
Paola
Which is no walk in the park.
00;03;06;20 - 00;03;14;04
Moises
I Yeah. Like when did you, when did you push Paola on to conflict resolution?
00;03;14;16 - 00;03;36;28
Rances
So going back to that story, that, that she said like you fight we're brothers so this is a give you that that that scenario. We had gotten into a couple little tiffs and this is like early on this is like we're still in high school not even a year in into our relationship. And for those of you who don't know, I had a bit of an anger issue in high school.
00;03;37;05 - 00;03;37;20
Jay
He was kind of.
00;03;37;20 - 00;03;41;00
Jay
Scary to be. Becasue he didn't talk, he was either going to shoot up the school. Or fuck somebody up.
00;03;41;00 - 00;03;43;21
Paola
He’s was just gonna fight you guys. That was it.
00;03;43;28 - 00;03;44;08
Rances
Well.
00;03;44;19 - 00;03;45;18
Paola
You’re Not listening.
00;03;45;24 - 00;04;08;12
Rances
That. Yeah, I had a very big trigger about not listening. I got into many fights that started with me saying, you're not listening to me. So I had a bit of an anger issue in the sense of like, this emotion would take over me and I was in violent towards it was very in control in a sense. I wouldn't ever be violent or towards her.
00;04;08;29 - 00;04;30;23
Rances
But what would happen is like we'll have we have something that's causing tension and I'll try to go talk about it. Right, as soon as any emotion I can, soon as I raise my voice a little bit about I was shut down, she would shut down and just like like become like a stone that I couldn't even, like, move.
00;04;31;13 - 00;05;00;23
Rances
So that would be extremely frustrating. And I remember one day specifically we got into an argument, she shut down in that way, and then I left my house really upset. And just while walking around town, literally looking for a fight, I was walking around town looking for a fight and luckily it was too late that there only was like, you know, drunk and drunk undocumented individuals, which I was like, maybe I can fight.
00;05;00;23 - 00;05;04;05
Rances
Nah they're they're freakishly strong.
00;05;04;05 - 00;05;05;05
Jay
That fight will not end well.
00;05;05;23 - 00;05;26;12
Rances
But like I had to go through that from for my end to like number one is manage my own anger but then one day I saw her older brother Henry come at her about like I need to use a computer. She was on the computer. Her brother comes into the room. He's like, I need to use a computer.
00;05;26;12 - 00;05;46;26
Rances
You guys know how arrogant Henry can can be? So he comes in and starts pushing her. And for me to see her, first of all, to be a boyfriend watching your girl versus her brother fight is very awkward and uncomfortable because you want to step in to protect your girl. But this is her brother, so it's like this weird dynamic.
00;05;47;04 - 00;06;07;07
Rances
So you're, like, frozen. And like. So I was frozen in the corner, didn't know what to do, but to see Paola stand up, square up with her brother, push him. And I'm literally started like elbowing and pushing and wrestling each other to the ground. I was like, Oh, she got fighting her. So how come I don't get that shit?
00;06;07;14 - 00;06;10;04
Rances
Like, what the fuck? And that was literally the conversation.
00;06;10;04 - 00;06;17;11
Paola
he picked a fight with me about it. He he picked a fight about it and said, Wait a minute, why won't you fight me? I was like, Bro!
00;06;19;01 - 00;06;44;15
Rances
But that was that was like that that transitionary point to to your question, because once we talked about that for you, tell me if I'm wrong, but for you it made you realize that you had this different approach towards me and it let us really talk about it and it and let me express what I desired, what I needed to feel connected, which was I need to know when you're upset and what you're feeling.
00;06;44;24 - 00;07;00;05
Rances
I need to dove into the world with you and with you. You needed to feel safe. That going into that vulnerability wasn't going to, you know, end in like violence or whatever it was and.
00;07;00;05 - 00;07;23;25
Jay
Drive the other person away. I feel like I know it's me sometimes that like when it comes to confrontation, especially with my significant other, it's like, what's the right what's the right tone? Because I feel like that it doesn't matter what you say sometimes, but how you say it. And I learned a lot from relationships and even from my mom constantly, always yelling at me as a kid.
00;07;25;16 - 00;07;46;05
Jay
But like my my girl and I, we have two different confrontation styles. When I was younger who is from a lot bark right away Bark and with her She’ll she barks and I get quiet. And it's not because I'm shutting down. It's mostly because I need to process the way I feel, because I know that she's a little bit more sensitive than I am.
00;07;46;05 - 00;08;02;26
Jay
So if I just jump off of my initial feeling, it's going to create a bigger problem. So I have to explain to her sometimes, like, I'm not shutting down. I don't dislike you any less, but I just need to shut the fuck up so that I don't say something that I'm going to wind up paying for out of anger.
00;08;02;27 - 00;08;12;03
Jay
Yeah, you know, and it's just like trying to figure out, like, that, that happy, that balance, you know, because we're so different in that aspect that.
00;08;13;07 - 00;08;47;14
Paola
It's funny because I don't find myself to be particularly sensitive and correct me if I'm not, I don't find that I'm that sensitive about things that typically women are sensitive about with Rances it was always the it wasn't about believing, it was more about, mind you, I've never I've never been a victim. My parents never even like the ones my parents said was like, speak loudly to me.
00;08;47;14 - 00;08;52;18
Paola
And I was, you know Like, I never got it as a kid. I'm like, my siblings who all got beaten.
00;08;53;18 - 00;08;54;15
Rances
Rightfully so, though
00;08;55;03 - 00;09;28;26
Paola
I'm just like, you know, I'm not Dominican that way. I don't get the chancla. So for me, it was always the conflict, the conflict avoidance. And also knowing that when I'm speaking to somebody who is... who could fuck me up, right? I'm aware of those things and I it of us growing up in certain places is like I know who I can Take, I know what I can Take, but I'm also not going to push certain buttons.
00;09;29;09 - 00;09;49;23
Paola
And it wasn't like, oh, I'm feeling unsafe around Rances it wasn't a happening. It was just like, I'm not going to go to a place where I can put myself in that position because I think that's dumb. Yeah, some people start pushing button, start hitting like, why are you do they know the punch? Then you can take it, so you shouldn't.
00;09;50;05 - 00;10;15;09
Paola
But anyways, so it was about knowing like, hey, we can go there, we can have these discussions, we can get heated, it can get uncomfortable. I think it's more about the discomfort conflict resolution is about sitting in discomfort because it doesn't feel good. And that's the part of the party that we talk about. Like it doesn't feel good, you know, but it's what you get after that.
00;10;15;15 - 00;10;50;14
Paola
Like it's come in through the other side that builds more tolerance for those discomforts. So that's what I had to learn to sit through an uncomfortable situation, to actually say, Hey, that hurts me and I am trusting you. The trust aspect of it, to not hurt me. So why? And it takes a lot of time to get from point A of of feeling like I can tell somebody that I just felt hurt by to tell them that it feels like you're giving up your power.
00;10;50;14 - 00;11;18;17
Paola
You're giving up. And I was very much about being in control. I didn't like getting drunk, i didn’t like doing things because I want to be in control with it. So learning to that about yourself of like I'm not in control and vulnerable, but you it's and it's a lot it's a lot and it takes a lot of time and a lot of vulnerability and discomfort and it started but it started with him saying to me, he was vulnerable with me.
00;11;18;17 - 00;11;37;03
Paola
I remember I had to tell him, he's like, I want to fight with you. Not for anything other than like, I'm suppressing my emotion. And and I remember him telling me and I like it clicked in my head. I'm, like, unable to express my emotions. Meaning if I want to cry, I fucking cry. Nobody tells me that's wrong, right?
00;11;37;12 - 00;12;04;20
Paola
if I want to scream and able to scream and nobody's like, that's wrong. Exactly. I'll go do your stuff. Okay. For men, it's not that easy. For different. It's always anger. It's the only acceptable emotion. So if he wanted to, like, say anything, he was surprised. It was like, that's not fair. And there's this sense of fairness that comes over that he should be able to express himself how he was express himself.
00;12;04;25 - 00;12;23;03
Paola
And that's it for me to take that away from him. And that's where it began, for us to be able to have those discussions and not run away and not completely shut down. But I also told him and these other things, as you learned, I said to him, Rances has always wanted to whenever there's any conflict, he wants to like Head on
00;12;23;04 - 00;12;33;26
Paola
Yeah, lets go right now! And I like there were times that I'm like, I need to process like you. I need to step away and see how I really feel about it before.
00;12;34;10 - 00;12;35;22
Jay
Because I don't know why I'm really mad.
00;12;36;28 - 00;12;53;15
Paola
So, you know, I would have to put a stop and it was like, I need to pause because it's, it's, it's not going to be you're not going to get to the bottom of it. We're just going to, I, well I'm just going to end up trying to hurt you. And I'm talking just for me because I can be petty as hell.
00;12;53;15 - 00;12;58;28
Paola
so It's like, no, this is not this is not conducive to the
00;12;58;28 - 00;12;59;20
Jay
I feel heard.
00;13;00;02 - 00;13;01;25
Rances
00;13;01;26 - 00;13;05;04
Moises
those are those are really refined skills.
00;13;05;14 - 00;13;07;01
Paola
Very. It takes time.
00;13;07;20 - 00;13;39;21
Moises
Yeah. And going back to the point done and why I think people say you're lucky is like the opportunity to work on those skills. Like I didn't have that opportunity. I didn't have that opportunity till I met Rances. And again, like Rances as a coach, you got you were forced if you were going to go on to a relationship with Rances in any form that requires to get a certain outcome in that relationship, you're going to be forced to to go on to conflict resolution.
00;13;40;17 - 00;14;11;06
Moises
And that's a that's that's a pretty hard skill and Rances I think five years six years we've been working together that's 365 days of opportunities for six years. Yeah. That's, that's why I changed so much in such a short amount of time. I don't think people that are aware enough had that opportunity. Like, I think about like my sisters or I think about some of the, some of our clients.
00;14;11;06 - 00;14;38;09
Moises
I look into the opportunities that they get in order to go into the conflict resolution. They don't necessarily have that. If the other person doesn't have that awareness or skill. And I think it's like important to understand, like the reason I'm highlighting this is because if there's anything that anybody can can improve upon, whether it's for your career or whether it's for an intimate relationship, is conflict resolution like that's an actual fucking skill?
00;14;38;09 - 00;14;41;24
Moises
Like go on LinkedIn, you'll see it's a fucking skill.
00;14;41;24 - 00;14;42;05
Jay
Yeah.
00;14;42;20 - 00;14;44;29
Moises
Because without that like how do you problem solve?
00;14;45;04 - 00;15;23;03
Rances
And it's a thing that from the career side, you and I have seen that it's a value. When we're doing consulting for companies, it's something that we have to teach the entire company how to do. We had to do it with our company and now we're doing it with other companies. So yeah, I agree with you that it is a a very powerful skill that takes a lot of discipline and work towards and most people may have a root belief brought to them by, you know, by their upbringing, by environment.
00;15;23;13 - 00;15;42;25
Rances
That is like, no, the point is to avoid conflict. And if that's the premise, then you're never going to go into how do I get better at conflict resolution? Because I should it I shouldn't get better at that because I should just avoid conflict because like there's multiple things right now that reminded me of like the martial arts training.
00;15;42;25 - 00;16;09;11
Rances
Like, for me, martial arts is like the bedrock of my perspective on life, which is like number one is conflict. If in a conflict, obviously martial arts is based off of you being able to express yourself physically in a aggressive manner, if you will, if you hesitate in any moment during that, it it is a problem, Jay, you can speak about this. if you hesitate.
00;16;09;21 - 00;16;33;11
Rances
It's a problem you're going to pay for it dearly. And then the other aspect of that goes into like you have to go head into that situation no matter how scared you are of how of that tunnel of that of that cave. That cave is super scary. You're going into the ring to to fight this person. It's the scariest thing you can imagine.
00;16;33;29 - 00;16;55;19
Rances
And you have to go in. And then that's when you discover more about yourself. So like is like in a relationship is like going into all those moments where like you're terrified of like, oh, umm is my wife going to leave me because I show this weakness about whatever. And then you think, Oh, that weakness is a perception within myself of what's supposed to be.
00;16;55;29 - 00;17;40;17
Rances
So now you go in, even with all that fear, all that ego and with courage, and you present it. And then the part where to your point, it's like the luck comes in is like if you're able to do that with a person that is aware enough and is that person is able to even I'm not talking about like the level of communication that we have, someone that you can present a vulnerability to and shows you their ability to deal with it like that is lucky because I can easily see where you can be in an environment where you're talking to a lot of people, you're self-aware and you're working on yourself all this, but
00;17;40;17 - 00;17;52;07
Rances
everyone around you rejects it. Like I can see how good that can build a belief of like not the same possible, you know. So yeah, I agree with that aspect.
00;17;52;19 - 00;18;18;19
Moises
I just think, I think it takes time so I can look at a coaching situation that I am that reminds me of that like I'm not willing to go into conflict in that space yet. And it's there is like rapport building, there's building trust, there's getting to understand their their way of thinking. But then you have to understand is like, well, I'm a coach like that deals with like understanding people's ways of thinking.
00;18;19;15 - 00;18;25;13
Moises
I don't know if everybody goes into intimate relationships like with that approach with that intent is like,
00;18;25;13 - 00;18;26;08
Jay
I don't think they do.
00;18;26;08 - 00;18;47;00
Moises
Yeah. Like understanding how somebody else thinks. And then like one big thing is like not taking things personally, which is like a really big thing. And then understanding like that, there's another skill that's involved in conflict resolution, which is like empathy, as I understand it, where you're wrong and that's a really hard fucking thing to do, especially if you have inflated egos.
00;18;47;13 - 00;19;13;18
Moises
So like there's, there's a lot of components to just build in that type of relationship. But I think something of like your statue like where (I’m saying like like 50 billion times and it’s annoying the shit out of me) where you had so many years. It is a 20 years now. Yeah. 20 years, 365 days now. You have clones.
00;19;15;10 - 00;19;16;01
Moises
With similar
00;19;16;01 - 00;19;42;20
Moises
Personalities where you're now refining that skill even more so. That is, I think, a very fortunate opportunity that I like. I was fortunate to see like my parent, I came from a divorce family, right? Your parents are still together there. Your parents are still together and your parents are still together, right? Like I witness friends who've had parents that have been there.
00;19;42;20 - 00;20;04;29
Moises
Like I have friends that have been together forever, but I don't come from that culture. My girlfriend's parents are still together. I don't know what that means. So to take yourself from being in an environment where you didn't see that, to then putting yourself and saying, Oh, is this a possibility? And now having the awareness to see like, Oh, what do they do differently?
00;20;04;29 - 00;20;13;29
Moises
What do they do differently? What do they do differently? More than 50% of you know the population in the United States have divorced parents.
00;20;13;29 - 00;20;14;07
Paola
Yeah.
00;20;14;23 - 00;20;41;29
Moises
That that is to me, it's fortunate. And I think you said it gets me upset. People say that I don't think they're trying to dismiss like the work. I think they don't see the work. I think what they're saying is it's like there is some kind of fortune to that. And I think with the people that like kind of like similar backgrounds to me, I think it takes a lot more energy, more effort to to get to that position, like where I am now.
00;20;41;29 - 00;20;44;06
Moises
It took a lot of failed relationships to.
00;20;44;06 - 00;21;00;28
Jay
Jason here with Mindset U. And I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for tuning in and watching us every week since might set you has taken a different approach. We need your help coming up with new topics of stuff that you want to hear so that we can give you the best quality possible and the best content possible in general.
00;21;00;28 - 00;21;16;29
Jay
It's fun. Come on, help us out. Help us help you. Anyway, you can head over to VidaProject.com Watch any of the old episodes. Any of the new upcoming episodes are coming. You can also check us out on Instagram and YouTube and anywhere else you could possibly think of that you want to be. Let us know. We'll be there.
00;21;17;09 - 00;21;19;16
Jay
All right. Thank you so much.