20 Years in Love: The Mindset Couple Rances & Paola Reveal their Secrets to Durable Love
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In this Mindset U Love episode, Rances and Paola share their secrets to durable love. After 20 years of marriage and 2 kids, they reveal how they still love each other deeply. We'll be discussing their secrets to a long-term, happy relationship.
If you're in a relationship that's been around for a while, you know that there are bound to be some bumps in the road. In this episode, Rances and Paola share their insights on effectively communicating with each other, coping with conflict, and making the most of your relationship.
Whether you're in your first or twentieth Year, this episode is a must-watch! By the end of it, you'll have some invaluable insights on how to maintain a healthy and happy relationship for years
0:00 - Intro
0:18 - Giving advice on relationships
2:27 - High school sweethearts
4:09 - Growing apart or growing closer?
7:23 - Challenge the men
9:51 - Make it work with anyone
11:20 - We do conflict
17:15 - Tell us your thoughts
00;00;00;01 - 00;00;19;13
Rances
Welcome to Mindset U, a podcast where we believe in everyone's ability to change today's mindset. Focus is love. Coming into Cupid's month of February. My wife joins us on the podcast where we discuss how we made 20 years of our relationship seem like a breeze. Enjoy.
00;00;19;20 - 00;00;20;11
Moises
How come you guys don’t like doing that? Giving advice?
00;00;21;21 - 00;00;39;18
Rances
Well, different is not both of us. Paola feels certain type of way about advice. I used to actually have hesitation towards advice, and you kind of ripped that out of me in that one conversation. So I've since shifted, but Paola still has some resistance towards it.
00;00;40;07 - 00;00;58;11
Paola
I don't believe there's a way to do anything. There are many ways to do things, and this is one of them. So when people ask me for advice, I feel it's like I'm with you. Yeah, they are asking me for a way and I'm like, or the way. Most likely it was like, How do you make your relationship work as well?
00;00;58;23 - 00;01;02;02
Jason
What works for you guys? That necessarily work for everybody else kind of thing?
00;01;02;03 - 00;01;02;21
Paola
Exactly.
00;01;02;22 - 00;01;18;28
Jason
No, I get it. I get that 100%. So let's take the time now to let you guys know if this is another episode of Mindset you. Jason Right now we got Rances, his beautiful wife, Paola and Moises. How's everybody doing today?
00;01;19;13 - 00;01;24;25
Paola
Well, not so great. Okay. Okay. Im kidding
00;01;24;25 - 00;01;39;16
Jason
today's today's episode, I guess, is all about romance and relationships, particularly You two. Because aside from my parents, you guys are the only people I know who've been together for longer than, like, 15 years.
00;01;40;00 - 00;01;43;06
Paola
It's insane. It's funny you say the word romance. I was like.
00;01;44;10 - 00;02;11;29
Jason
You know? But I think. I think when people realize that in relationships, romance doesn't play that big of a part. I think as people think. I guess especially when you have kids and responsibilities, romance kind of starts getting lower and lower on the list a little bit, you know, depending on certain people. But first, let's talk about you guys and how you first met and how it all started, because I think that we all remember you from high school.
00;02;12;11 - 00;02;38;18
Rances
Yeah. So, I mean, that romance point is, is a good, good heading off point because like, like so our relationship started through communication. We were in a thing we weren't talking or we were in like in a relationship technically, we were just like getting to know each other. We were spent hours on the phone. But our our first official date when we.
00;02;38;18 - 00;02;42;15
Jason
Time out real quick, I don't mean to interrupt. What was it like talking to Rances on the phone?
00;02;43;07 - 00;02;44;26
Paola
Cause I did a lot of the talking.
00;02;45;17 - 00;02;47;29
Jason
Figured they could just say.
00;02;48;14 - 00;02;57;21
Rances
Well, you know, it's funny you say that because, like a lot of people, actually, she would say, come up to her and be like, does he even talk?
00;02;57;26 - 00;03;07;09
Paola
That was the general question for the first probably five years of our relationship. Like, does he talk and make guys? Yes. Yes, of course.
00;03;08;23 - 00;03;28;17
Rances
But ah, like when we made it official because we had this, this classmate asked us, so what are you guys are you guys like dating or something? And we were like that awkward. Ah. So that we got into a little tiff about that because Paola was like, You've never asked me out.
00;03;29;10 - 00;03;31;15
Paola
We're not dating. You haven't asked me to be your girlfriend.
00;03;32;11 - 00;03;38;05
Rances
So we had to, like, make it official. And I had to say, okay, so do you want to be my girlfriend?
00;03;38;05 - 00;03;43;21
Paola
You didn't say that. You said so. We're dating now. You know, you stated it. It was like, okay, I'll take that.
00;03;45;09 - 00;04;06;26
Rances
And and then so like the following day was, was like Valentine's Day and we had this big romantic day. I picked her up in a in a limousine, went to this restaurant, all this stuff. And that was like the peak of romance, you know, really.
00;04;06;26 - 00;04;09;23
Jason
Romance died.
00;04;10;11 - 00;04;14;15
Paola
I don't mind it, though, because I'm not that person. So I couldn't give.
00;04;14;24 - 00;04;15;16
Jason
Them that either.
00;04;15;16 - 00;04;27;19
Paola
So I'm like, okay, cool. I was like, Oh, he brought flowers and he's taking me out to dinner. Great. Like, it was nice. It wasn't like it wasn't nice, but it's not the foundation of things.
00;04;27;20 - 00;04;31;07
Jason
What you need. Yeah. So it's like. I don't need that.
00;04;31;07 - 00;04;31;25
Paola
Exactly.
00;04;32;01 - 00;04;44;05
Jason
That doesn't prove. I feel like that also doesn't prove that you care for someone. It's that that you can you can provide something that you think that they want, but that doesn't really mean anything at the end of the day.
00;04;44;07 - 00;04;44;16
Paola
Yeah.
00;04;45;05 - 00;04;52;09
Jason
I guess fast forward a little bit, what year was it that you guys got together? Do you remember? 0303 Well.
00;04;52;28 - 00;04;57;08
Paola
It's about 3 hours. It's going to be 20 years and a couple of months.
00;04;57;12 - 00;04;58;07
Jason
Which is insane.
00;04;58;07 - 00;04;58;25
Paola
And like a month.
00;04;59;00 - 00;05;22;28
Jason
So I guess my next question is when? What was it like? Continue your relationship. And I guess at such a young age and stuff like that, like you're still I think we were always we're still spinning ourselves out. We're always a different person, you know, whatever. What was it like keeping that that love there while you're both finding yourselves as human beings, as your own separate people while still being together?
00;05;22;28 - 00;05;33;09
Jason
Because I think that's also really hard because I think back to like my younger self and like how it wasn't relationships compared to how I am now. I was a monster. So.
00;05;33;09 - 00;05;35;24
Paola
You were young. You gotta give yourself there's no grace.
00;05;35;24 - 00;05;45;11
Jason
Yeah. No, of Course. You know. But I can only imagine what that was like, where you're both kind of monsters because you're both trying to figure life out, and you're like, No, but how do how does that work out for you guys?
00;05;46;08 - 00;06;14;28
Paola
Personally, it's always been people were all like when we started, when we're graduating and going to college, Rances went to Philly. I stayed at William Patterson and everyone was like, You guys need to break up. You need to break up because you need to experience live and then like all of that, right? And I it's the idea that I have to break up with somebody because I need freedom.
00;06;15;23 - 00;06;41;23
Paola
And to me, I didn't feel like I was forcing myself into the relationship. But I was also very open to like, hey, the moment this doesn't make sense for you, if it doesn't make sense for me, I'm going to tell you. But I need to know that you'll do the same, meaning that that openness of if at some point like, why would I break up with you?
00;06;41;29 - 00;07;07;14
Paola
Everything's good right now. Why? There's nothing going, you know, self. But if you're away and you feel like you need to explore and you need to be with other people and this and that, that, I'm okay with that as long as there is the communication around it. So I didn't feel the need to like do that in that time where most people break up because they're going through college, they're finding themselves, they're doing this.
00;07;07;27 - 00;07;20;19
Paola
But there was open communication around it of if you feel the need to be with other people, like I'm fine with that as long as you're fine with the inverse of that as well.
00;07;20;19 - 00;07;21;25
Jason
So it's a two way street.
00;07;21;25 - 00;07;22;12
Paola
Exactly.
00;07;22;23 - 00;07;54;27
Rances
I just wanted to highlight one one thing. So first of all, like I found Paola attractive and all of that, but really, you know, got me infatuated. Where was her spice? So, you know, we we had we this is before we like started really talking. We had like a friendly, like, acquaintance. But one day you know, flirtatiously bumper in the hallway and she turns around and looks me dead in.
00;07;54;27 - 00;08;06;18
Rances
I like if I'm a complete stranger and goes off on me. How dare you knock into me and and starts like. Just like the snapping of the fingers that had everything.
00;08;07;15 - 00;08;07;28
Jason
And.
00;08;08;17 - 00;08;29;06
Rances
Is like in the cartoons where in the hearts go out the eyes. Like, that's how I was. I was like, Oh, the spice is really what like, got me into it. So then with that, like when we were having conversations and nighttime for hours all throughout the night, we were really getting to know each other. We were getting to know how we viewed the world and all that stuff.
00;08;29;21 - 00;08;51;27
Rances
But Paola says to me one night, she goes, Listen, I just want you to know I get tired of people real quick. All right? I'm not tired of you. Yeah. So let's see how long this goes. So she had that look that, like, ready to pull the trigger any moment. So it was like there was no fear from her and of, like, the relationship we need to preserve.
00;08;52;03 - 00;09;00;14
Rances
It was just like if it works, it works type of thing. And I was like, okay, back challenge accepted.
00;09;00;19 - 00;09;21;21
Jason
Yeah. I like that that I think for, for a lot of guys and stuff like that, especially me, it's like if you were feisty and there is like, Oh, you're going to challenge me to be the best man possible to fit. Like, I got the second part, but I think there's something about that that's like, Oh, she's going to do that, check me.
00;09;21;21 - 00;09;34;13
Jason
And then on top of it, like, I actually have to work for this. I’m in! you know, so that's, that's really funny. And I also get your up all the way. It's like, if that doesn't work for me, I'm not going to sit around and.
00;09;34;13 - 00;09;34;24
Paola
Wait.
00;09;35;01 - 00;09;41;16
Jason
And wait for it to magically work. So there's like a kind of like a beauty in that release almost said.
00;09;41;22 - 00;10;09;01
Paola
There's freedom, there's you don't feel tied. And that and that's the case of like, I don't feel tied to Rances. And it's funny we talk about it still where we're both like, I can make a relationship work with not anybody, but pretty much if I wanted to. And it's not a like a braggadocious type of way of thinking about it is more like, hey, I'm here because I want to be here, not because I have to be here.
00;10;09;13 - 00;10;28;15
Paola
And I believe the same of him. He wants to be here, and that's why we're still making it work. It's because we both have a desire. And whenever anybody ever asks about their relationship, that's I say it's like, well, that's number one. Do you both want to be in the relationship? Because if you do, then there's always a way to make it work.
00;10;28;15 - 00;10;35;01
Paola
It might not be comfortable, might feel really crappy at times, but you can make it work.
00;10;35;16 - 00;10;36;02
Jason
If that makes.
00;10;36;02 - 00;10;37;07
Paola
Sense to people until.
00;10;37;19 - 00;10;58;19
Jason
You know. Yes, I think that goes to like my running joke of like I look at relationships, like parties and it's like you've just been going to the same party nonstop for the last 19 years. And, um, and I think it's, it's the party isn't always fun. Yeah, it's yeah. A lot of times it's not fun, you know, like Why fucking am I this party still, you know.
00;10;59;12 - 00;11;05;24
Jason
And then you add kids into the mix. And like all of these little Fuckers are at this party now they don’t leave either!
00;11;06;08 - 00;11;07;09
Paola
They’re So loud!
00;11;07;26 - 00;11;08;14
Jason
Well, you know.
00;11;09;08 - 00;11;24;03
Rances
Like with that, like the parties not fun only for like a couple of minutes at a time because there's there's one thing which is like we we do conflict it. You know.
00;11;24;16 - 00;11;27;19
Paola
I took a while but we do now. Yeah, we've gotten better at it.
00;11;28;07 - 00;11;52;13
Rances
So, like. Meaning like what? I mean we do conflict is like we don't avoid something if if there's something that's bothering, if there's something that's in the way, like addressing it immediately and figuring out what the root problem is and all of that stuff, that's like a standard in our relationship. So when I was like, it took time.
00;11;52;13 - 00;12;04;17
Rances
It goes from from our different standing of it. So for me, I've kind of always been conflict oriented. I guess the martial arts concept of like, you go in, he.
00;12;04;17 - 00;12;05;20
Paola
Wants to fight. Yeah.
00;12;05;29 - 00;12;12;23
Rances
Yeah, yeah. And you know, early on in the relationship, I was very conflict avoidant.
00;12;13;15 - 00;12;36;16
Paola
Towards you, not my siblings. So I was ready to punch people in the face in my house. But when it came to answers, it was like, no, like we can't fight. And I think it's a little it's a pattern that you think is how it should be. Right. And that I go back to thinking of like my dad, where he speaks of my his relationship with my mother.
00;12;36;16 - 00;12;59;07
Paola
He's like, you guys never saw us fighting. I'm like, No, but that's a lie because you did fight and there was issues and I never got to see you manage your issues. So it's a good thing as a goal. My parents never fought. It's like, great, but did they manage? How did they manage their issues? How do they come to a resolution of things?
00;12;59;07 - 00;13;17;24
Paola
Right. And was everyone feeling heard when they felt like they had to suppress their actual emotions? I never got to see that. So with my partner at the time, it was like, No, you're not supposed to fight. That's a bad thing. And it's like, No, but I was okay fighting with my siblings, you know.
00;13;18;25 - 00;13;39;25
Jason
And I think there's different. I think when people think of fighting, they think of like just knock out, drag out, like we're saying worse things to each other kind of thing. And it's like that's not really that's not fighting, you know, I think when people are having a disagreement and then talking about why you disagree with the person, why it bothers you, and then you try to take some sort of resolution.
00;13;39;25 - 00;14;00;29
Jason
Which brings me to my next thing, because like my parents, I mean, I watched my parents fight all the time. They they're together till this day. But one thing my mom used to tell me that I don't know if I believe in it now. She's like, don't ever go to sleep angry. And and I'm like, sometimes it's that I can't just wrap this conversation up in a bow tonight and be like, Oh, we resolved everything.
00;14;00;29 - 00;14;03;07
Jason
Because if not, we're going to stay up for like 26 hours.
00;14;03;25 - 00;14;19;08
Paola
Yes and no. But I think it's not good. Don't go to sleep angry, but don't go to sleep with the thought of this person is seeking to harm me because that's where the anger comes in. Isn't it a defense?
00;14;19;08 - 00;14;19;18
Jason
Yeah.
00;14;19;25 - 00;14;39;16
Paola
So we don't have to have the resolution of something and resources it come to an immediate resolution. It's not an immediate resolution, but an acknowledgment of I'm triggered, you're triggered. We need to figure that out. We'll do that together. But just know that it's it's a me thing, like I have to address.
00;14;39;16 - 00;14;40;11
Jason
Not always person.
00;14;40;11 - 00;14;40;25
Paola
It's actually.
00;14;40;26 - 00;14;52;10
Jason
I think that's what a lot of people have to realize. I think as I got older, that's what I realized in my relationship that not everything is an attack against me, you know, and not everything I do is an attack against them Have the times because I'm a little stupid up.
00;14;52;10 - 00;14;56;12
Paola
Here because it's about you and you oversight, right?
00;14;56;12 - 00;14;59;21
Jason
So childhood trauma that I haven't addressed, that I'm lashing out.
00;15;00;19 - 00;15;30;10
Rances
So I just wanted to say one thing about that. Like and this this happens between Moe and I as well, which is like the the when there's there's an issue on the table like we need to number one, acknowledge there's an issue on the table and that is basically a trigger to. Que on the protocol on how we have handle issues on the table.
00;15;31;03 - 00;16;06;29
Rances
So it's like this is an issue. We don't just move on, sweep it under the rug. There's an issue we need to talk about this. So whether like going to bed and we haven't resolved it, whatever that doesn't really matter is like have we initiated the protocol to begin addressing this thing? Because I think the number one thing that happens and it's happened with us, but in, in any relationship of mine in my life that has gone sour is when something is not addressed and you think like, oh, no, no, it's, it's, it's a long time ago.
00;16;06;29 - 00;16;15;24
Rances
But what happens, in fact, is that that issue just grows like, you know. Yeah. So then eventually boils up into this, this whole thing.
00;16;16;04 - 00;16;47;12
Paola
And it only spills out in that moment and it keeps spilling. And that's the spewing that you talk about when people want to be intentionally hurtful is because they've been feeling a little pains for a while and have not been able to address that or in their mind they thought they addressed it. Um, which I find really funny people think they address things with and they don't, they don't have an actual, direct conversation.
00;16;47;19 - 00;17;15;14
Paola
They'll just say like, hey, the garbage, it needs to be taken out. And then they're like, I've explained a million times the garbage needs to be taken. It is like, you haven't explained why that's important to you. You haven't you haven't had a conversation to set your values. You haven't. So it's like the little thing of the garbage being taken out, but they're like, I've asked a million times and it's like, you can ask a million times, but there's no reasoning behind it.
00;17;15;22 - 00;17;32;03
Jason
Jason here with Mindset U, and I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for tuning in and watching us every week since Mindset Use Taking a different approach. We need your help coming up with new topics of stuff that you want to hear so that we can give you the best quality possible, the best content possible in general.
00;17;32;17 - 00;17;48;18
Jason
It's fun. Come on, help us out. Help us help you any way you can. Head over to VidaProject.com to watch any of the old episodes, any of the new upcoming episodes are coming. You can also check us out on Instagram and YouTube and anywhere else you could possibly think of that you wants to be. Let us know. We'll be there.
00;17;48;28 - 00;18;01;04
Jason
All right. Thank you so much. I think we're on Twitter. I don't know. Hit us up everywhere. Call me. Here's my number 201. I'm just kidding.
00;18;01;08 - 00;18;01;25
Jason
I hate me.
00;18;03;13 - 00;18;11;17
Jason
Fuck you. In the butt, I keep saying, guys, fucking trick myself on the streets. I think that's a good take.
00;18;11;17 - 00;18;13;01
Jason
Listen here you little Motherfuckers
00;18;13;09 - 00;18;26;24
Jason
And I'm going to start over one more time or else put my head in the oven before I was really interrupted by a lovely Dominican lady and I'll do anything. My power, not a job through this window right now because I hate talking in front of a camera. Take 15. Fuck you.