Self-Defense or Stereotypes? Navigating Bias and Anger in Personal Growth
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Are you interested in personal development and how it can help you overcome past traumas and move forward? Then you won't want to miss this episode of the podcast! The hosts, Jason, Rances, and Moises, share personal stories and insights into the power of personal transformation and how it can help you take control of your life.
Don't be fooled; it's not all serious talk - the hosts also add humor to the conversation and share anecdotes about their own experiences, making it an engaging and relatable listen. Plus, you'll learn about the psychology of anger and defensive behavior and how they can be forms of self-defense and centering. So if you want to improve your mindset and personal growth while being entertained and informed, this episode is a must-watch!
Timestamps
0:00 - Intro
0:45 - Last Name Bias
6:44 - Lived experiences
9:40 - Can we move past the trauma
16:00 - Questioning the trauma response
19:41 - Respond, Reflect, Recentering
23:15 - They expect you to be an animal
27:22 - Application of Reflection
35:26 - Why I choose to develop
36:10 - Tell us your thoughts https://forms.gle/aqLERqWV4H1BqDB79
Transcript
00;00;00;04 - 00;00;12;23
Jason
There's no rules on this Bitch Okay. So we're going to talk about whatever you want, whatever we want, because we're going to spin it and let you all know what we're going to talk about for 15 minutes. I'm going to give you rapid fire stuff there.
00;00;12;24 - 00;00;18;21
Jason
They're the coaches on the everyday guy. I'm going to challenge them because who the fuck are they to tell me what to do? They don't know me.
00;00;18;21 - 00;00;28;23
Jason
They do know me. Know me for a really long time. But that's not the point. The point is we're here to give you guys a fun podcast and hopefully you learn some chill on the way.
00;00;30;27 - 00;00;45;10
Jason
Welcome to Mindset U I'm here with Rances who likes to complain. Moises, who's now in the middle. If you guys have recognized that we kind of switch places and we're going to keep doing that so that everybody feels what it's like to be the center of attention.
00;00;46;01 - 00;00;48;26
Moises
You know, Rances doesn't like being introduced as Rances Perez.
00;00;49;01 - 00;00;50;06
Jason
Do you like just being Rances?
00;00;50;14 - 00;00;50;22
Rances
Yeah.
00;00;51;00 - 00;00;51;07
Jason
Yeah.
00;00;52;15 - 00;01;23;13
Rances
The reasoning is not that I don't like it is looking at it from like an expectation standpoint. Perez immediately gives me the opportunity to be stereotyped, but like for me it's like I rather not come in first with expectation of like Perez Hispanic. Oh, he's he's Hispanic. And he looks like that he must be Dominican. And therefore these I'd rather not be put in a box first.
00;01;23;20 - 00;01;37;12
Rances
So I think that the the name Rances can be seen as like, what is that name? It's there's curiosity behind it as opposed to an expectation behind it, where Perez now starts to put me in that box so that I don't like to be in a box.
00;01;37;13 - 00;01;48;27
Jason
Understood. Now, question for you about worried about everybody, assuming that you're automatically Dominican. Don't you think they know that from the tightness of your pants?
00;01;52;04 - 00;01;54;11
Moises
I thought it was a serious question. Yeah, I know.
00;01;54;11 - 00;01;55;23
Rances
He framed it up.
00;01;55;23 - 00;01;58;02
Moises
It's actually pretty good the way you did that
00;01;59;00 - 00;02;19;15
Jason
That's called comedy guys. Today's episode is about self-improvement, and obviously I have some self-improvement to do because I don't know how to be serious. Sometimes, but I will say that these two men who aren't Hispanic, we're not going to label them.
00;02;20;15 - 00;02;22;00
Moises
I'm Hispanic man
00;02;22;01 - 00;02;33;19
Rances
Well, that's that's the thing with you. You come in face first we were like, oh, he's a white guy. Yeah. And then is like, Oh yeah, I want to afford myself the much opportunity as far as I can do it with this.
00;02;33;23 - 00;02;34;29
Moises
The same opportunity I get.
00;02;35;00 - 00;02;35;29
Jason
But I will say this.
00;02;36;04 - 00;02;36;26
Moises
By looking the way that I do.
00;02;37;04 - 00;02;57;14
Jason
I will say this in fourth grade. I'll never forget this. Moises was very pro Puerto Rican, was like very militant about being Puerto Rican. And I'll never forget it, because one time he was like, “You know how they call us Puerto Ricans because we're poor and we’re ricans” I'll never forget that. And I was like, Pretty sure it means rich port, but you know, whatever works, that always stuck with me.
00;02;57;17 - 00;02;58;17
Moises
That was just a joke.
00;03;00;13 - 00;03;03;29
Jason
That you heard, but you were very like Black Panther for Puerto Ricans. Oh.
00;03;04;15 - 00;03;12;00
Moises
well that comes from My father. Yeah, like that. That's real big for my father. Like he always told me to take pride in being Puerto Rican.
00;03;12;23 - 00;03;21;20
Jason
So. Oh, you need to talk about pride. I can't speak a word in Spanish. I can't speak a word Spanish with. This is my first tattoo of Puerto Rican flag.
00;03;23;20 - 00;03;28;12
Rances
But, I mean, you told me about the story about you getting pulled over with the Puerto Rican flag.
00;03;28;22 - 00;03;29;18
Jason
I remember that.
00;03;29;19 - 00;03;49;28
Moises
Yeah, that was. That was here in Palisades Park. Yeah. The game pulled over with the Puerto Rican flag. I was playing reggaeton at the time, blasting that thing, and it had the Lexis ES 2 50, my first car with the speakers that lit up, right? So I was like really Puerto Rican. And I thought I was going to play ball in Cliffside Park.
00;03;50;00 - 00;04;09;27
Moises
And then Cop pulled me over, asked him why I got pulled over, wouldn't answer me. And he just told me, Get out the car. And then I was like, All right. But I had the Puerto Rican flag there. So and he's like, Your registration, everything's expired. I'm like, how? How did you know that from, like, sitting in a corner?
00;04;09;27 - 00;04;22;24
Moises
But I just think he, like, took the time to, like, documented or like, look it up. He's like, all right, we're going to tow your car. And then I had to walk home. And at that time I was living in Teaneck. So I walked home. Think I passed by Jay's house after that to.
00;04;23;01 - 00;04;23;22
Jason
Could you just say hi
00;04;26;04 - 00;04;27;27
Moises
But I don't know if you were. Around.
00;04;28;04 - 00;04;32;16
Moises
At that time. I don't think you were. I think you were away.
00;04;32;16 - 00;04;33;16
Jason
I was away at school.
00;04;33;16 - 00;04;33;29
Moises
Yeah.
00;04;34;06 - 00;04;36;16
Jason
Got it.
00;04;36;16 - 00;04;42;18
Moises
But yeah, I got pulled over for being Puerto Rican after that. Went on and took that shit down and never got pulled over again and never reclaimed.
00;04;43;11 - 00;04;45;23
Jason
So you're like, so you're like Rances where your like You know what?
00;04;46;20 - 00;05;08;04
Moises
I never I didn't get pulled over. Matter of fact, any time I got pulled over after that, they would obviously read my license and it says Moises Santos. So they they knew I was Hispanic, but they wouldn't mess with me anymore, like they they didn't like. I remember one time I was in the car with Hector and it was here in Palisades Park and the cops knew who had the was everybody knew who Hector was.
00;05;08;21 - 00;05;26;24
Moises
They pulled us over, told us to get out of the car, searched our search the car, just because I had the Puerto Rican flag. And I grew up in Palisades Park. So, like, once I took that flag down, like I was chillin, I would even make, like, got pulled over for talking on the phone. I was like, you told the truth.
00;05;26;24 - 00;05;34;22
Moises
Here, go. You're good. No ticket. I was just like, Oh, that's white privilege. And that I mean, that really does exist.
00;05;34;23 - 00;05;36;24
Jason
So what was it like growing up with White Privilege Moises?
00;05;36;24 - 00;05;57;21
Moises
I mean, I don't think I realized it till like the past recent years with all the shit that's happened in this country. But I know I get more opportunities. Easier. It's easier. Yeah. For me to get opportunities. I didn't, I don't, I didn't understand the effects of like day to day life, you know, like, and I don't think me and Jay ever talked about that.
00;05;57;29 - 00;06;27;23
Moises
I think it was more so the relationship with you that I started to identify and see those things and then like working in the Bronx and seeing working with those kids, the that demographic of like African-Americans and Latinos. And I think that's what made me start to realize is like, okay, yes, I have privilege, you know, and then speaking to my father and his experiences, like what he went through growing up and coming to this country, I was like, Oh, I am privileged.
00;06;27;23 - 00;06;43;24
Moises
Like, I do have that. I was like, Well, how like I can identify with either of you in those types of stories. I don't know what it feels like to be patted down because of my color, you know, or being accused of something because of my color.
00;06;43;25 - 00;07;00;19
Rances
So like, you know, you talking about Pal Park I remember one day I was, I was in so even in high school and middle school, I don't remember. But I was walking on Broad Avenue, coming back from the movie theaters and I got like five cop cars.
00;07;00;23 - 00;07;01;27
Jason
Were.
00;07;01;27 - 00;07;28;18
Rances
Flashing lights. Next thing I know, it's just headlights on me and the blinding like spotlights. And next thing I know, I get smashed into the wall and and thrown on the ground, getting searched everywhere and whatever. And I'm just, like, terrified. And 2 seconds later, they all just walk away, and all my stuff is my pants are like, pulled down, my stuff is thrown on the floor.
00;07;28;18 - 00;07;56;24
Rances
Everything. I'm just on the floor like this and they just pull off. Don't say a word to me. I'm like, What the hell? And when I was when I was younger in the city, in the city, I was like six or seven when a cop took me aside because I had got into into a fight and this cop took me away from my sister.
00;07;56;24 - 00;08;22;04
Rances
They came to my apartment and my parents were in there. And my sister, seven years older than me, was there taking care of me. And and they're like, we're here to see Rances. He's a tiny little kid. Like, What are you talking about? And the cop takes me away in the hallway. They, they, like, smother my sister with, like, you know, interrogation tactics and, like, five cops and one cop takes me out far away from my door into the stairway.
00;08;22;24 - 00;08;49;21
Rances
And this guy I still like, seared in my brain, all the stuff that he was saying to me, he was like, I'm going to take you to prison and they're going to rape you and they're going to do this and back again, six, seven years old. Like, that was my my age range mean, I remember I just remember, like to me, growing up in Washington Heights, it's like we knew the cops were enemies.
00;08;49;22 - 00;08;55;18
Rances
We knew like these are and they stand out in a crowd, even if they're not a uniform because they're white, number one.
00;08;55;24 - 00;09;00;15
Jason
And they're always wearing Yankees jersey for some reason. So oh, it's.
00;09;01;14 - 00;09;23;19
Rances
So like it just like started building and this like the response of like, you know, the community I grew up in, like these guys are the enemies in my block. People just scream 5-0 right and everyone hides i’m a little kid playing in the street, you know, playing fucking with a chalk painting on the floor. Five.
00;09;23;19 - 00;09;29;18
Rances
Oh, I dove underneath a car to hide. Right. I don't know why. Just like, well, these people are enemies. This is.
00;09;29;18 - 00;09;30;27
Jason
Like, conditioned that way. Yeah.
00;09;31;12 - 00;10;02;29
Rances
So, like, for me, like, I was experience a lot of those things you're talking about like you in the Bronx and, and living with, with through the lens of, of our experience. Right? So when we go into the concept of like development and personal development, there becomes a level of you lived through these kind of traumatizing experiences and these labels and so on, so forth.
00;10;03;16 - 00;10;27;02
Rances
But how do we detach to move forward, to be able to be like, okay, I, I'm not those experiences and I don't have to live constantly expecting those experiences because then what happens is that you draw yourself to those experiences, right? So just by having that perception and for me, like we had that incident the other day.
00;10;27;03 - 00;10;45;10
Jason
I was just about to I think it makes way more sense why you got so angry knowing like the back story. Now it's like your your interaction with authority kind of thing where it's like, oh, you're automatically going to assume that I did something wrong, but now I'm now fucking furious. Yeah, kind of thing.
00;10;45;11 - 00;10;57;19
Rances
So the story was we were in out to eat Moe wasn't with us, but we were with our significant others and another couple and this is a super fancy steakhouse.
00;10;58;22 - 00;11;03;21
Jason
I’ll say it, it’s fucking butcher block. Yeah. I mean, nobody's going to watch this but this fucking butcher block.
00;11;05;14 - 00;11;07;20
Moises
So thats in long branch.
00;11;07;29 - 00;11;10;12
Jason
Long branch. New Jersey doesn't even have an area code for that.
00;11;11;16 - 00;11;32;04
Rances
So we're there, we're eating. This is we just invited Jay for the first time there and this is like our third or fourth time there. I think it was me and my wife and this place like you have to in order to make reservations, someone needs to refer you. It's really like inclusive and not inclusive, exclusive exclusivity in that way.
00;11;32;21 - 00;11;58;04
Rances
So, you know, we're there. We're a table full of colored people. And at the end of the night, you know, we're having a great time. And the the waitress comes over, she asks, hey, did anyone take one of the steak knives? And we're like, you know, we don't think much of it where we just say no. We look around like no, maybe, you know, maybe a it fell when
00;11;58;04 - 00;12;33;03
Rances
They were collecting the stuff off the table because they had just finished collecting the stuff. And so whatever she doesn't say anything, she leaves. And then a few moments later, the guy who I'm assuming he's like the security guard or something, he comes over, comes over your shoulder and he goes, Hey, guys. And I remember you were talking to Ashley at the moment and whatever as he's talking to the table and he puts his hands on the chairs and he goes, Hey, guys, listen, whoever got the the steak knife, we got cameras here.
00;12;33;21 - 00;13;04;19
Rances
We can review them. We can see it. So you know, just bring it forward. And that immediately set off that trigger for me because is the assumptive language of like you guys did this. All right, so just come forward. And to me, like, again, like the the whole landscape is like we're the only colored table there. We, we already started off the night with kind of a rough start with that.
00;13;04;22 - 00;13;05;23
Jason
Yeah. Because waiting.
00;13;06;08 - 00;13;10;10
Rances
We had a reservation for what was a 730 and we didn't get a table till.
00;13;10;12 - 00;13;11;01
Jason
830.
00;13;11;01 - 00;13;17;21
Rances
830. And while we were waiting, we were waiting inside. It was it was like the coldest day of the year. It was.
00;13;17;27 - 00;13;18;18
Jason
Freezing.
00;13;18;18 - 00;13;26;15
Rances
We inside. And then the same guy came up to us and asked, Hey, guys, you know, we try to keep this area clear. Can you guys you mind waiting outside?
00;13;26;26 - 00;13;32;13
Jason
And guess what? Wasn't clear when we walked inside to get a reservation, the place that he told us to clear that was full of white people.
00;13;33;12 - 00;13;51;10
Rances
So already you were kind of like, hmm, there's there's a very different approach for us. And then this incident happens. He comes, says that. And like I said, I got triggered right there. And right away I, you know, I start a little bit of my experiences come out.
00;13;51;18 - 00;13;56;03
Jason
Yeah, I saw Rances from high school come out. I got real quiet. I was like, Oh, no, I don't like this.
00;13;56;19 - 00;14;07;10
Rances
And I started saying to the guy, Go check, go check the footage, then go check the footage. Don't even talk to us. Go check the footage. And I remember looking at your face and you're just looking at me like, What the fuck?
00;14;07;10 - 00;14;19;27
Jason
Just I had no idea because I was only talking to like, I had such a good time. And I see him getting very mad. Also words like why is dad mad?
00;14;19;27 - 00;14;42;28
Rances
So like that was that thing. And then eventually, you know, we asked to speak to the to the manager, the manager comes by and I explained to him, like the situation, like, listen, we have, you know, we're here having a great time. We're all professionals here. Like and this person comes up and starts accusing us.
00;14;42;29 - 00;15;00;29
Jason
Also, not to mention we spent not that it technically matters, but we spent any sort of amount of money for six people at a restaurant and for those like you have our knives and we put his we just gave you like we gave you somebody to rent, we just gave you somebodies rent.
00;15;01;26 - 00;15;10;09
Rances
And the man, the manager said to me, Yeah, I'm sorry you feel that way. And that was it.
00;15;10;09 - 00;15;15;22
Jason
That could imagine how infuriating that must have been.
00;15;15;22 - 00;15;16;09
Moises
That’s dismissive I wish I was there to see.
00;15;16;15 - 00;15;16;26
Jason
Yeah.
00;15;17;06 - 00;15;18;17
Moises
That’s super dismissive.
00;15;18;17 - 00;15;40;02
Jason
It reminded me of the time. One of the few times I saw Rances going to fight in high school. He doesn't say anything, but he just as a kid by the throat. How's to going to. I was waiting for that to happen and I've never I haven't seen that that side of Rances. It's just awful silence and facial expression, I think.
00;15;40;02 - 00;15;40;24
Jason
Oh, he's.
00;15;41;09 - 00;15;43;23
Moises
Mad. So they find a knife?
00;15;44;00 - 00;15;51;24
Jason
Yeah, we found like it was on the fucking floor. It was underneath the table on the floor. And it was like, okay, thanks.
00;15;51;24 - 00;15;52;21
Moises
they didnt apologize.
00;15;53;06 - 00;16;25;28
Rances
No, to me. To me that was like the worst thing that could happen because now they assume there's like, oh, they were trying to steal it and now they returned it. You know, and, and then like in retrospect, we're talking about personal growth, right? The following day, I sent you a message apologizing for my behavior, because for me, I recognized that was my trauma, my triggers that set off like the the end of the night situation.
00;16;26;11 - 00;16;50;18
Rances
And it really reminded me of my father in these situations where my father would face a lot of times like this with us, we as a family and my my father had an anger issue. But in situations like this, my dad would always just belt out laughing, laughing everything off. Like, like now be offended by it, by other people's issues.
00;16;50;29 - 00;17;19;28
Rances
So I reflected on like the next morning, I was still like upset about it. So I took out my journal, I started reflecting, I started journaling about the experience and the way I journal is I put out exactly what happened and then I go dissecting it from other perspectives. What are other angles of this? Right? So that was one of the perspective of like, oh, you know, for all we know, like maybe, maybe the person that was with us was trying to take it because we don't know them that well.
00;17;20;07 - 00;17;50;19
Rances
And, and they were like, oh shit. Like when the issue like that could that's a possibility. No, I'm not saying that's, that's what happened, but it's a possibility, the possibility of like, you know, they have to deal with this all the time. These knives are custom made or something. And, you know, they're kind of jaded by having to handle this all the time with different people, just so happen to be that, you know, we fit a description that we were triggered by you know, or I was triggered by more than anything.
00;17;50;20 - 00;18;07;07
Jason
No, I think we were all triggered by it. It's just that most of us were late to the game. Like one side of the table was very late to the game and it's like what was going on because like I was like, Oh, the knife is not here. I don't think anything of it. I went back to having my conversation and I even really, even though the guy was right next to me, I didn't listen to him.
00;18;07;07 - 00;18;23;13
Jason
I thought he was just like, Oh, is everything okay? Kind of thing. Then I was like, And then when I saw your reaction to it, I was like, Oh, everything's not okay. He's not asking you if you're good. He's he's accusing us now and I was just like I was just looking at him and I was just like, I get the anger.
00;18;23;13 - 00;18;46;18
Jason
And he you helped even though you were super fucking pissed off. You held yourself very well. You didn't. You didn't freak out and stuff like that. It's just at the table. It's like we were all like, ha ha. And then I know some change in you and it's nothing that you should apologize for. You're rightfully pissed, but I just remember looking at you like, do just don't let it carry with you for the rest of the night like it happened.
00;18;46;18 - 00;19;15;27
Jason
It's fucking bullshit. It's it's it's it's. We're used to it. It's part of life. And fortunately, it's. It's just the way the fucking cookie crumbles. Yeah. Kind of thing in, in anywhere. Because you could say like, oh, it's, it's here in America, it's everywhere. It's like if you're, if you're darker than the average person, it's just everywhere. And I thought it was really, really sweet that you apologized the next day, but me and Ashley both agree, really, he didn't need to apologize for it.
00;19;16;05 - 00;19;35;18
Jason
You know, once we all knew the situation, it's it's like you handle it the best way you could for being mistreated. And I want you to know that, like, you didn't handle. I mean, like, you're right. You could have laughed it off her. But you're not your father. You're you. You know, dare I say a robot.
00;19;36;16 - 00;20;01;11
Rances
Like just it to go on that point? Like, I appreciate that, number one. But on the flip side of it is like I'm always looking for where where can I grow, where can I develop in any situation, right? So so for me, the way I see the situation is like this moved me out of my center, right where you talk about when I was younger, I used to get angry all the time.
00;20;01;11 - 00;20;20;18
Rances
I used to, you know, get into a lot of fights. Right. I've I've really worked on developing my skillset to be able to maintain my center and not be disturbed by other things. So for me, this was kind of a a vulnerability I didn't know existed.
00;20;20;18 - 00;20;29;10
Moises
Still make an argument that that behavior is a process of centering.
00;20;29;10 - 00;20;29;23
Rances
What do you mean?
00;20;31;05 - 00;20;47;29
Moises
So anger, as you taught me, is a form of self-defense at that point, you're being accused of something. You're being accused of stealing, which has a lot of like repercussions, especially.
00;20;47;29 - 00;21;08;07
Jason
Yeah, especially when you're like, I remember when you were involved talking or a big thing for you're saying it's integrity. So when somebody is going to question your integrity, like it makes sense that you go into defense mode because it's like, Oh fuck, you like time out, you know? So like, I agree with you with what you're saying.
00;21;08;07 - 00;21;08;14
Jason
Yeah.
00;21;08;14 - 00;21;36;26
Moises
Like, isn't that a form of or process of centering? Like, if something off makes me off balance, I have to take a behavior to recenter. Not only that, but recenter and defend the people that I'm with so they can. I'm going to challenge the perspective of like, where are you really off center? No, there was an external force that attempted to take you off center.
00;21;36;26 - 00;21;57;23
Moises
But the anger and the behavior that was taking is the process to bring it back to center, because it is a form of defense. Like there are a lot of repercussions that could happen from that. Like if they wanted to, they could have made it a bigger issue. Right. But maybe your defense or maybe your anger is what allowed them to approach it in a different way.
00;21;59;14 - 00;22;25;12
Moises
The perception of you thinking it's another angry black man, right? Yeah. Being angry is maybe that that trauma. Yeah. You see that as like, that's the wrong thing. But I don't know. Fuck it, black angry man came to me. I approach things differently too. Like it makes me think twice about how I approach an African-American who's angry. Yeah, right.
00;22;25;12 - 00;22;33;03
Moises
Because I understand that. And I think there's a possibility that that bodyguard or whatever he is, security also.
00;22;33;03 - 00;22;41;17
Jason
Don’t give him the credit of being a bodyguard, fuck him or whatever or whatever, a glorified busboy fuck him
00;22;41;27 - 00;23;04;11
Moises
He also has to present himself in that manner to as he's surrounded by white people who tell him what to do. So like I don't know it. I find it difficult to align with that perspective of like I was off center, I was like I was like, I think that's a necessary step for a process to to maintain the center.
00;23;04;11 - 00;23;11;23
Jason
Does your guilt come more for from how you reacted or to how it affected the end of the night?
00;23;12;17 - 00;23;13;17
Rances
My reaction
00;23;13;17 - 00;23;14;05
Jason
your reaction.
00;23;14;05 - 00;23;40;03
Rances
And I'll tell you where that stems from. So I was we were already living in Jersey because I was outside with my older brother, my oldest brother, who's 11 years older than me. We were washing his car and this Asian classmate of mine was walking by my block and I was like, Hey, I don't remember her name.
00;23;40;12 - 00;24;02;22
Rances
The kids in elementary school became her name's is in summertime. How are you? And she straight up just ignored me. She was walking with her. Her mother straight up just ignored me and was like, hello. I literally walked in front of them and they just like walked around me and like I was so upset and I just started, What the hell is wrong with you?
00;24;02;22 - 00;24;31;13
Rances
And I just started screaming. My brother grabbed me. My brother's like six foot one, huge, grabbed me like a little lunchbox. And he sits me down in his car and he talks to me and he's like, Listen, you may not know this, but you're expected to act like an animal. So when you give in to these situations, you live up to the expectations and then you give them reason to treat you this way.
00;24;32;12 - 00;24;48;03
Rances
And to me, that was a huge lesson in terms of like the way I behave is not just a representation of me, it's a representation of everyone like me. So I take a lot of responsibility in the way I respond and act in situations like this.
00;24;48;13 - 00;24;48;20
Jason
Yeah.
00;24;49;10 - 00;24;52;11
Moises
Well, I wasn't there to. I mean, maybe you want to give you a perspective on what that actually looked like.
00;24;52;18 - 00;25;12;03
Jason
But that's what that actually. But that's why but that's why that's why it's so interesting to me because like you were very reserved in your anger. Now when he said when he went to like, oh, we had camera footage, you're like, well, go check it. That was the most I saw you like, get out of pocket. You know what I mean?
00;25;12;03 - 00;25;30;04
Jason
Like, you didn't really you didn't you never raised your voice. You never raised your voice. It just from knowing you. I was like, Oh, shit, he's pissed kind of thing. So it wasn't one of those things. I was like, Oh, he's making a scene. You didn't make a scene, you know? The waitress came back. You're like, I would like to talk to your manager and then you talk to him.
00;25;30;04 - 00;25;48;04
Jason
You took him to the side. You even have him at the table. You even make it a group discussion. You took him to the side, you had your conversation. And I could just tell from your body language that he was just like, it's sorry you feel that way. It's just what it is, you know? Um, but it wasn't one of those things that, like, I was like, oh, shit.
00;25;48;04 - 00;25;59;16
Jason
Like, Rances really got out of pocket. He made a scene like, oh, my God. Like I was looking for, like, to advertise against him. Nobody knew what the hell is going on, aside from the fact that you stood up and you talked to the manager.
00;25;59;22 - 00;26;03;04
Moises
So you responded like a normal white person.
00;26;03;04 - 00;26;23;27
Jason
He responded like, No, not even because I feel like a normal I want to see a normal white person, let's say a Karen, because that could be anybody, right where you make it seem kind of like you didn't make a scene, you know? I mean, so I think I understand where you're coming from, where it's like, oh, like, you know, like you have to carry yourself in a certain way.
00;26;24;28 - 00;26;49;03
Jason
But at the same time, you also have to to put that line in the sand where it's like, no, no, I'm going to stand on my principle. And you stood on your principal like a gentleman, and you didn't you didn't you didn't raise your voice. You didn't make a scene. You didn't make it uncomfortable for everybody. The only reason why I wouldn't even say was uncomfortable because once we all knew the situation, we were all equally discomforted by the recusal of it.
00;26;49;03 - 00;27;11;08
Jason
It wasn't how you reacted to it, you know what I mean? You didn't you didn't change the mood of the night. They changed that restaurant chains, the mood of the night when they automatic they accused us of doing something so you shouldn't and not that we should all be hard on ourselves. That's I. I think that's a good thing.
00;27;11;08 - 00;27;20;05
Jason
Or it's a you need to reflect. You need to see how like look at it from different angles, but at the same time, like there is no reason to apologize for how you reacted.
00;27;20;19 - 00;27;58;07
Moises
So. QUESTION Is there an implicit bias slash stereotype that you struggle with in terms of being dark skinned? So like I think about that documentary on Netflix that talks about the gentleman who talks about the history of slavery and how he took an implicit biases assessment on being black. And it found out that this black man also believed the same thing about black people, meaning that there is a belief that African-Americans do behave in a certain way.
00;27;58;24 - 00;28;18;09
Moises
So my question to you is, like after reflecting, do you believe that dark skinned people behave this way and you that was your reaction to or your reflection to not react that way is the interaction that you have with your biases.
00;28;19;19 - 00;28;59;12
Rances
I don't think it goes into don't group me in it goes into the perspective I talked about before, which is like I'm responsible for not only myself. So it's more so the stereotype that I'm expected to fit into that I want to raise above and, and like I hear you guys, I hear what you're saying. And I want to identify one thing which is like, I don't I'm not like saying this from a position of like, you know, I'm feeling shitty about myself or whatever.
00;29;00;14 - 00;29;24;04
Rances
And that goes back to the point of like I'm always looking for the empowerment, I'm always looking for how do I improve this? And, and I just this last Friday, I just went through a situation wasn't similar because it wasn’t race based, but it was a situation that kind of tested me on the same bounds. And I remembered that night and I remembered the journaling of the work that I did.
00;29;24;04 - 00;29;42;26
Rances
And I said, okay, how do I want to behave? How do I want to react? And I changed the entire dynamic of the situation. So I tell you the story now, which is my daughter had a doctor's appointment, right? So it was so cute because she was super excited about this doctor's appointment cause she's the one that brought it up.
00;29;42;26 - 00;29;57;24
Rances
She's like, Hey, I haven't been to the doctor in like in like two years dad and I'm like, Oh, that can't be. So I call the doctor's office and they're like, Yeah, she is overdue. Her is, I'm like, Oh, okay, great. So can I book it? Whatever I booked it for, for Friday and this was like a week before.
00;29;58;27 - 00;30;19;18
Rances
So, you know, I pick up Emma from school, I schedule, I have this on my schedule, readjusting my calendar and everything. Pick up my daughter from school. We go to the doctors and we get there, you know, like 3 minutes before her appointment time. And I go to the to the thing and the lady goes, Did you change your insurance?
00;30;19;18 - 00;30;46;17
Rances
And like, oh, yeah, yeah, but I don't have it with me. My wife has the documentation, so they go, okay, we won't be able to see her. And I'm like, I'm here now. Like, you could have called me at any point when you confirming the appointment and check this like, but I'm here now. You're telling me like so it's like immediately of like the day is like, you know, all this stuff that that and that's what to me, that's my trigger.
00;30;46;18 - 00;31;14;12
Rances
Like, okay, this is the cue. How do I want to approach? How did I when I examined our situation, how did I want to behave after after the fact? So like a day I'm like, okay, so I want to approach this with understanding, understanding from her end right and I and I approached it by asking her, you guys couldn't, you know, call and, you know, check this out beforehand.
00;31;14;12 - 00;31;46;05
Rances
And and the lady is just cold and she's like, it's your responsibility to make sure your documentation is in order. I'm like, okay, I need a break. So I take a breath and as I'm taking a breath, another parent gets there. Something very similar happens. She goes, Oh, we don't take your insurance, you have a different insurance. And the parent's like, I have my two week old daughter here for her appointment now as you're telling me this, and she's like, Oh, we tried calling you and whatever.
00;31;46;12 - 00;32;05;04
Rances
And the lady is like, You didn't try to call me later. And she's like, Yeah, I have a note here that says, Your number didn't work. She goes, Call my number. So she does. Secretary calls the number and it rings and she's like, This is my number. You guys didn't call me. So this whole heated debate and through all of this, I'm texting my wife and finally she responds.
00;32;05;04 - 00;32;24;21
Rances
She sends me the information. So, okay, I got that. I got the info. All right. But as I say, and I'm like, this seems like a bit of a trend and the lady just and puts into things like, okay, they'll see you in a few minutes. So I'm like, okay, how do I want to approach this? So what are what is my skill set?
00;32;24;22 - 00;32;48;08
Rances
My skill set is understanding people. My skill set is being able to coach through experiences. So now I need to be curious because when I reflected on that night, I was like, I needed to be more curious into what was going on in their perspective, which would have created understanding for me, which would have allowed me to have an impact on how the situation is handled.
00;32;48;16 - 00;33;11;12
Rances
So take my review that night with us, I was like, You know what, if I approached it in the way of curiosity is like, listen, let's say I spoke to the manager, listen, this and this, this happen. I know you guys don't have this intention, but this is what is coming off, right? So how do we improve your approach in these situations so that you don't end up offending people?
00;33;11;13 - 00;33;22;12
Rances
Right. That to me would have been an empowered behavior reaction to that incident where I could help protect the next person down the line. So I looked at this situation in that same format.
00;33;22;23 - 00;33;27;01
Jason
And you see it like that. That makes way more sense. Now. Yeah, understandable.
00;33;27;04 - 00;33;45;06
Rances
So then instead of reacting to to to the situation and then the doctor's called over, he's talking to that lady that's having that incident. We get called in to go see to go and get the measurements for my daughter. So my daughter goes in and I grab the doctor's arm and I say, Hey, can I speak to you for a second?
00;33;45;06 - 00;34;09;21
Rances
And because he's getting combative, he's like, well, you know, we we can't see you or whatever. So I grab him, I'm like, remember, she is offended because her whole day has been ruined. She's nervous that her daughter is not going to get the treatment or or or assessment that she needs. This lady is scared and hurt by what has occurred.
00;34;09;21 - 00;34;26;23
Rances
He looked at me. He goes, Thank you. He walks back and he comes in with a whole different approach is like, Listen, I'm so sorry my office did this and so on and so forth. Immediately you hear the lady come down, relax, right? And then he comes in and when he comes into the room to see us, he's like, Thank you so much for that.
00;34;27;04 - 00;34;50;20
Rances
It's been a really rough day and reminder was exactly what I needed. This the lady in front after that lady left that the customer left had to, she said, I need to go out for a walk. So clearly she's been under a lot of stress. So then after the doctor, like I had like a whole little mini coaching with a doctor for free.
00;34;50;29 - 00;35;15;28
Rances
Yeah. And then he was super appreciative. Then when I was sitting my next appointment, I spoke to the two other lady guards who follow me on social media, explained to her, Listen, just how you can handle these situations better. And she was like, Yeah, but you never saw me get, you know, get reactive. Said, No, but I saw you get cold and that's you trying to suppress your emotions and that's why you needed to go for the walk.
00;35;15;29 - 00;35;37;16
Rances
Yeah, right. So if we handle it this way, you can have an impact on helping someone and not feeling under attack. And she was like, Wow, that's so powerful. Good to follow me on social media. To me, that's the legacy I want to leave behind when I go to a place. Yeah. So that's how that's how I see it as far as like he's not like all that, you know, I shouldn't be like this and whatever.
00;35;37;22 - 00;35;42;22
Rances
It's like, how do I improve? How do I become empowered? And to me, that's that's growth. Yeah.
00;35;42;23 - 00;35;47;24
Moises
So your apology was for not meeting the expectations that you have for yourself.
00;35;48;21 - 00;35;50;01
Rances
Yeah. I guess you would say that
00;35;50;01 - 00;35;50;16
Jason
That’s respectable
00;35;50;28 - 00;36;01;05
Moises
That that's what like I think gave the perspective of like, oh, you know, I apologize for my behavior and I was like, for what? Like, yeah. So apologized that.
00;36;01;12 - 00;36;09;29
Jason
The apology wait makes way more sense now but also at the same time I'm not that fucking grown. Fuck you,butcher block. I'm never go to your fucking business. Fuck you guys
00;36;09;29 - 00;36;17;08
Jason
Jason here with Mindset U and I. I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for tuning in and watching us every week since mindset U is taking a different approach.
00;36;17;09 - 00;36;18;25
Jason
We need your help coming up with.
00;36;18;25 - 00;36;41;04
Jason
New topics of stuff that you want to hear so that we can give you the best quality possible, the best content possible in general. It's fun. Come on, help us out. Help us help you. Anyway, you can head over to VidaProject.com watch any of the old episodes, any of the new upcoming episodes are coming. You could also check us out on Instagram and YouTube and anywhere else you could possibly think of that you want to be.
00;36;41;04 - 00;36;43;09
Jason
Let us know. We'll be there. All right.
00;36;43;09 - 00;36;45;19
Jason
Thank you so much.